V'anezz

2010-03-21T16:57:00.008+08:00

Cant help crying when i first heard this last night till now.

There is only 1 person on my mind when i replay this song.

The lyrics? Or?

He was a historical figure who played a very impt character in my life.

Hw is he now? Will things be different?

There will still be familiar songs that i will hear on radio and i nv thot of him till i realised that im not thinking of him at all.

Duno y, tis song just stirred up the feelings.

Or izzit cos this month is his bdae?

2010-03-16T15:22:00.002+08:00

There has been dreams floating here and there recently. Dreams as in your soul leaving your body and wander ard and not the ambitions kind.

Had another one earlier which i wanted to know the ending but was distrupted by my sis. Haix.

I have a telepathy with a fren who seem to msg me when im not working. =)

The rain has stopped. Its bright and fresh outside and images of my mum appeared.

I like the recent fb status PJ wrote and love his fren's reply. I'm not Christian but it reflects what ive been going through too and i believe God is changing me too.

At least He gave me the strength to think back wat used to interest me and let it stay in my to-do list.

2010-02-08T23:12:00.004+08:00

when i left my kf job, i left with a great sense of relief, not knowing it will led me to another level of depression, yet brought my family close.

when i got a nhst job, i found friendship in a workplace. but not my friendship. I envy the ladies. Envy their friendship, their sisterhood, their chill out nights, weekend outing, being each other sisters' for the wedding. I left with regret cos i know i did not put in my 100% working there.

when i join the present company, i find myself indulging in my own world. I know, i will end up like my dear fren who just left, if it wasnt cheryl who ask the team to look out for me. I find it easier to distance myself from someone than getting close to someone. i am afraid of sth. i too want to be back to who am i, but not who i was at my ugliest time.

Getting to work there used to be a happy thing but it has become more of a reluctance. Its not only cos of our r/s, its also cos of the work. Sometimes, sorry just aint enuff. If one day, he came and apologise to me, i dun think i will forgive. God, im a terrible person right?

I'm tired of everything and yet i dun have the ability to abandon everything. I like the world of volunteering. But recently, it isnt a passion of wanting to do counselling and/or further into psychology anymore. I'm interesting in baking stuffs nowadays but i know the route is not for me. Hobbies, pastimes, fantasy and reality.

Ppl are getting married and i feel that im just stepping out. Commitment is a scary thing, be it any type of r/s. At least to me it is. Maybe when I step back with God by my side, all worries will evaporates.

2010-01-30T02:20:00.002+08:00

"On this day of your life, Vanessa, we believe God wants you to know..... that although forgiveness is very hard, it is necessary."

Holding onto anger and old hurts hardens your heart and hurts only you. Ask for help in letting go of the anger. Ask to see the situation through the eyes of compassion. Allow yourself to feel the lightness of forgiveness.

2010-01-16T21:41:00.003+08:00

2010-01-05T09:52:00.002+08:00

I saw him again ytd after 6 mths. Its arranged. He with his frenz and me mine.

He still look the same and sound the same.

Til nw, i still dun know wat attracted me to him. I still like him.

Exchanged a few sms-es.

God gives me the answer again. 'Letting go is wealthier'.

I sms to sp last night wishing him happy new year and asking y he din wish me. lolz. Im being a idiot again, i know. No reply from him yet. Is breaking our friendship is 2010 resolution?

B say that i should be glad that my best fren has found his love. I replied that 'the price of his love is sacrificing our years of friendship' Ding Dong here and there... he reached his most infamous line ---> 'u shld be big enuff to handle ur life'

And so, in my hp contacts, i renamed him as 'Brian Lim. wu fa gou tong de da ren' =p

2010-01-03T21:01:00.002+08:00

3rd January 2010

Reviewing back 2009, i thank God for the most practical experiences i have in year 2009. That in Year 2009, that im back to reflecting, serious reflecting.

Im clear who r my frenz, who r my colleagues, who r just passer by.

Im clear my family r my family.

My journey begins the moment i left KFEM and renew again when i almost joined back KFEM, and the journey continues again.

I hope i will never forget that 2 years when im with them. The people ive met, my ex-colleagues and bosses, the residents and the company.

Ive tried, each other giving chances to our friendships. He wasnt with me when im in my darkest moment but either am i when he needs someone. Now that we no longer need each other support, we are beta off without each other.

The last time i heard from him was 25th dec 09. I wonder.. will it be the last time that i will ever see or heard from him. Childishly, on 31st Dec 09, on purpose, i deliberately stopped myself from sending msg to my 2 closest male frenz - Darrice and him. I just need a small test to know whether am i remembered by them. For the past few years, we are either together through all the celebrations, or when we werent, i will be the one forwarding msg to them. This year, i just want anything..anything that can proved to me that im remembered, that im their self-claimed 'sister' and 'best fren'. Childish as it may seems, but i rather believe, i will get the truest result from the most simple test.

Til now, i have heard nothing from them. No sms or when im msn, no msg from either of them.

Thank you God for answering my prayer.

Nothing fancy this year. No expensive xmas gift exchanges, no extravagant dinner gatherings, no squeezing with people. I have a warm xmas and new year celebrations both with maternal family and my weekend Hei Se Hui.

Family, are the ones who stood by me during that 3 months being jobless, full of emotions, depression and isolations. Showering me with love and financial support.

Hei Se Hui. We used to be a batch of jobless wanderers. Hanging ard together passing time. They are my joy and laughter at my downest. We are all 1 years 9 days old and we all have jobs now. Jobless or not, we have ride through the storms with dirty jokes, coffees and late night outs. A serious issue nearly broke off the friendships and we are still learning how not to depend on each other financially.

A new start. People coming and people leaving. People who are trying to show me how they are getting along beta with people i like. People who are trying to show me how good they are. Maybe im too sensitive. And so wat i can do is smile or look away or simply ignore. I know, no matter wat, God is always here with me. The only one who knows me better than any frenz and my family. I love Him.

Im a person with no credibility. U know the answers when i say 'i want to quit smoking' or 'i want to lose weight' Everyone gives me the same answers and expressions. Only God will not judge me. I know he is guiding me.

Happy New Year to those who knocked into my blog.

Happy New Year to those who are working on their dreams.

Happy New Year to those who used to matter in my life and to those who now matters in my life.

I love you guys deep deep for praying for me and included me in your new year wish.

2009-12-27T22:03:00.002+08:00

2 days past Xmas.

I thought it will be a lonely xmas..thats y months ago, i already told them no matter wat, save Xmas eve and Xmas day for him. Cos i know i will miss him.

Little did i expect much that our 1 yr friendship are drifting apart. Have a lot of fun knowing the bros and sis. They make my day and fill my dark skies with lotsa fun and laughter. If not, i might still be indulging in my self-pitiness.

SP almost left my life. I know im losing Cheryl too.

People who stayed with me through my ups and downs. Who have accompanied me through these 7 - 8 years till i found my peace with God.

I love God and believe in Him.

I can never trust anyone more than i can trust Him.

I bought another bible. More of a girly bible where u reach out to u and questioned you. Kinda interactive... even have a diary with God section. Love it deep deep. =p

I guess its healthy to step out of my little world and see the human beings ard me. At least, im stepping away from the trap ive set up.

There is someone who i would like to know more as a fren. I hope God can bring us together and i wish to listen and know more. =)

2009-12-20T23:08:00.002+08:00

Celine Dion - To love you more

So much for this 1 year.

New people, new insights, new experiences

Seen through who r the ppl ive lost, who used to matter so much yet we might be juz that surface. Frenz who loves me yet i disaapoint them.

I cry for no reason.

Tears dropped.

Maybe they are juz accumulating.

Thank you God for listening to me, being with me every minute, every second. It is You who led me see through people.

2009-12-08T22:37:00.002+08:00

Dear God

Im trying.

U know my pleas to you. Only You truly knows how i feel.

I can still take it, i know. I know you will not let me take on any more harder than i can handle.

I wish to shout out loud 'WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME'.

But i know, there are people out there who are suffering much more than me.

Who am i to grumble?

I remember your words.. difficult people are those who i can learnt most from.

But i am really feeling inefficient in my work. Why she can send out a email in 1 min and i need more than that? If im efficient, y did my invoices issue drag so long to finish? Im incompetent right, God?

I dun have anyone who can listen to me right now. Except You, my Lord. When my colleague told me how she pour all her woes to her fren, i wonder where r mine? Who can really listen to me?

2009-11-03T19:48:00.003+08:00

I duno when will be the day when i can juz take u as a fren.

Ytd's incident proved that i stil cant.

What m i still hoping for?

2009-10-17T23:23:00.002+08:00

KILT

A new found friendship might turn into a ugly friendship.

Hw actually shld one behave.

Hw actually shld one sort out unhapiness?

Complicated human behaviours are part and parcel of life.

Human relations are part and parcel of life.

Hw i wish we could go back to the past where its all fun, laughters and dirty jokes.

My issue has ends and another has arise.

I've asked for a favor from God.. if its consider a favour.

And he send me someone.

Wishing for wat i wanted, will it totally changed who am i? Or do i have to draw the limits of how much that person will transform me? Or is it a good thing to be totally transform like my guardian angel? In that way, im sure i will not be hurt in any way again.

2009-09-27T23:11:00.002+08:00

Davichi

How much longer can happiness last? Zill saes she dun want to think abt it.

My happiness at NHST was so short.. so so short.

God is overseeing everything and He is giving me the chance to relive my life again. When im having doubts, he sent angels to remind me and brought me to places where i gave birth to my regrets.

Had sweet and sour moments ytd. I prayed to God last night. Ive been talking too much and listening too little. I felt an intense sourness last night. The exact one i used to have a lot when im into liang. Its not the first time i see the change in his attitude. So i let him be.. let him enjoy and not disturb. The least i expect is the instant sourness. I dun even noe hw to face them. Let it be a warning to myself ba. He is juz a ..

Silly bro - who seriously brainstorm my nonsense qns for an ans
Hot-tempered bro - who cant stand being mistaken for
Ninja bro - who have a high tolerence for sarcastic remarks
Smoker bro - who cant stand me being a chain smoker but he himself is one
freestyle dancer - who can 'beat it' all the way
360 bro - who can talk nonsense sex talks with us
Speed bro - who drives fast and furious
Evil bro - who is infamous in the 2nd place for his wahaha
Toilet bro - who can go to the gents 7-8 times a day
Kopi bro - ice kopi o to last the night
Buay Dong bro - who cant tawn night
Understanding bro - who noes when im moody and be left alone
Foul bro - All the san zi jing u can hear from him anytime, anywhere
China lover bro - he loves china gals

Thats wat i love him for. A brother who isnt pretentious, who doesnt wear shirt and pants. In small little ways, he resemble liang. Buddy buddy... some history from the pasts are beginning to surface again. With new people,doesnt mean history wun repeat again. Im not worried abt him. Im worried abt myself. The one who most likely will cross the line is me.

>.<

2009-09-17T23:51:00.003+08:00

Ooo.. my blogger is back to normal after ive download IE8. Hmm..

I like this:

Meaning isnt sth thats out there waiting for you. The meaning of ur life is what u infuse it with - beauty or ugliness, happiness or sadness. It is totally your choice and God wants it to be your choice because God gave you free will.

When im lost.. i saw these 2 msg.

Prayer is when u talk to God. Meditation is when you became quiet and you listen to God. You've learned hw to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and learn, because God has been answering you. (I duno y.. its like ive been preventing myself from listening. I can feel it.. )

You've been worrying too much abt the future lately. So tonight, go ahead and put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and restful sleep.

2009-08-30T22:15:00.001+08:00

New people. Similar experiences.

Same dreams. Possible to achieve?

One listens while u talk.

One see that u need silence and accompany u by keeping silence.

One is sensitive.

One is self-centered.

One is gentlemen.

One is full of vulgar.

One can understand my story.

One seems lost at my story.

One loves Chn songs.

One loves Eng songs.

Jai Ho?

One is acting as my gauge.

One is the ultimate.

Another 5 more mins. =)

2009-08-29T00:29:00.002+08:00

容祖儿 - 漂白的心

Last Sun. Supposedly the last meetup before Nel kor go thai.

Bugis. To get amulet for him, the kids and Jes. Reminded me of that consecutive 2 years when we walk ard near the temple, at the centre reading our horoscope for the year.

Walked to Suntec. Cant rmb have we walked before. Suntec. One of the places we used to hang out. After his tekong, we watched movie at suntec and he played game at arcade. Celebrated his 21st bdae at Kushinbo Suntec.

Suntec, walked to Esplanade. The killing point. 'Second Hm'. No more second hm. No more gals from his past. No more paths surrounded by trees, rocks, sand and sea. No more walking to Kallang. No more heart to heart talk. No more singing. That sunday, i brought them up to the roof. From above, i saw history.

Walked to Marina Square dinner. Crossing the road, saw Jiang Chengxi. Charming. That path to Marina Square. Always brought back memories of mummy and also him. We took photos - mummy, sis and me. Of him and me, of cos no pics. he wun take pic with me. Im the photographer, taking pictures of the memories captured in my head. That year de countdown, with shufang me him and ivan, dinner at the food court. Last yr xmas countdown, me him and xiao shufang and frenz movie and dinner at marina square.

The only pathetic photo i have taken with him was in sec 4, after our graduation. 8 yrs de photo. One and only photo. Turning yellow.

2009-08-29T00:18:00.002+08:00

28th Aug 09. 5th month.

漂白的心 - 容祖儿

不用相信我对你表白的感受

只要知道我们是永远的朋友

我没想到你怕了我过火的温柔

别让一场相识美丽都变成丑陋

我会好好忍住泪流你还夫复何求

我走你会不会跟我勉强的牵牵手

牵牵手可能是唯一抚摸你的藉口

我走在有笑容的时候请把我表情看透

我总是关怀你的感受不想听的不说出口

这一颗给你漂白的心

属于这多年朋友什么都没有

想起我们从前难道你没发现那些沉默的缠绵

一起吃过拉面一起看过表演回忆永远不改变

我不希望爱情会让我抬不起头

别让难忘的往事都变成了一段伤口

我会向别人展开追求你还夫复何求

我走你会不会跟我勉强的牵牵手

牵牵手可能是唯一抚摸你的藉口

我走在有笑容的时候请把我表情看透

我总是关怀你的感受不想听的不说出口

这一颗给你漂白的心

属于这多年朋友什么都没有

想起我们从前难道你没发现

那些沉默的缠绵

希望经过多年我们还会见面

仅有的聊天关系不改变

2009-08-24T22:00:00.001+08:00

2009-08-17T21:24:00.000+08:00

Duno if fb is down a not. Idiotic.

Vannie me have been bitching people nowadays. *Rmb retribution*

Ive dreamt of him for 2 consequetive nights. Nothing good though. Just be happy and think of me sometimes. =) Cos im trying now also to be happy without u.

These few weeks of sat gathering have been fun. Makes me look forward only to sat. But who knows,when happy moments will end?

Todae isnt a good dae. I failed the interview that im looking forward to. I went back to clarke quay a little while to reminice.

Im getting to accept that most of the things are really God's plan. That we have no control. To experience is to let one's be more stronger. God has His reason for letting us experience whatever He planned.

Bloody facebook. still not working.

If somebody happen to see him on the street, tell him that his fren misses him.

2009-08-14T23:23:00.000+08:00

556th post.

容祖儿 - 这就是爱吗

Am i getting closer to be who i always wanted to be?

Is God trying to let me see things? Buying Shape, saw that ad, apply on this email reply?

Shld i take the chance? Or still stubbornly worry abt the age issue just like how i strongly felt i cant fit into the environmenT?

I need ur ans. Lets try this once. I know it applies to everyone. But most of the time, Ur msg got to me.

Saw it. Dear God, though that application in facebook is for everyone. But i got it. Ur msg for me today is the answer.

"On this day of your life, Vanessa, we believe God wants you to know...
... that humans learn only by trial and error, and that includes you.

You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive."

Thank you, God for standing by and never giving me up all these years since my first contact with you when im juz a kindergarden kid.

Liang juz came bck from his reservist. And i only got to know it through his msn personal msg. Hw i always wun miss out on his updates, nw i can only know it partially through internet.

Every part of me changing now might be a reflection of my past.

New people, new frenz. Feel like a new journey.

I can understand Brian's words now. Those critism.

Let people from the past out of my life. Let new people come in. Will i turn for the beta or will i be more worse? Please stay by my side. I trust Your plan.

Happy 44th bdae Singapore!!!

2009-08-09T20:38:00.000+08:00

The day is finally here. =) Ever since that radio interview on 933 by Cruz and Jiahui with err... the guy from army who oversee this whole celebration, that ive been looking forward to this day!

5.50pm, i ordered KFC, sit alone at home and waited for 6.15pm. I always hate to watch national celebration so always missed it.

Excited excited!!

6.15pm. Channel 5, 8 and U broadcast the same programme.

First Segment - Parachuting. The same usual segment BUT! We have the full participation from the audience rather than the usual we-watch-the-parachuters-up-and-land down. We have..... 'oooooooooooooooooooo (when parachuters are abt to land) Yeah (when each parachuter land'. I 'Oooo Yeah' tog with them! I dun watch national celebration, so im touuched when one parachuter (Red Lion) was being interviewed.

This year, i heard that our celebration will be live broadcast over the world so that singaporeans outta singapore could watch and enjoy this moment too! And so, we also have bdae wishes from singaporeans in London, USA, Japan etc.

No formal military music, instead we have 'Yi Qi Zhou Dao' mixed with the english version 'we will get there' when Sir Lee Hsien Long arrived.

The whole programme will be divided into 10 segments.

Chapter 1 - What did he see. 'Of Singapore'.

Our history. Instead of the infamous Sir Stamford Raffles, we have the founder of this piece of Temasek who we read in our history lesson. - Sang Nila Utama. I like the Sang Nila Utama in here.. so cute! We have Mark Lee and Suhaimi Yusof as the actor for this segment. Cant helping perspring for Mark Lee. I guess lotsa singaporeans will critisize him for his language. But i love him still the same! =) He tried, dint he? And there were this cute lions (like the one we can see at Esplanade, wearing the mask to prevent H1N1) and or chinese lion dance, dancing to the music of our natonal songs!

Chapter 2 - Defending our Homeland.

This segment scares me. Suddenly CNA news presenter reported a news flash 'Singapore under Terrorist Attack'. Lolx. Different from previous years, this year is much more detailed and real life. Civil defence vehicles coming in, the bomb squad, and the first time we see the Navy enacting a crime scene at sea! And den we have the divers down the sea and the final portion of our air, land and sea squad fighting against the terroist.

Chapter 3 - Our Parade 'Pledge Ourselves'.

Its so cool! Instead of juz parading formally, all our sqauds sings while marching! Awww.. i love it! So sweet! Hmm.. Presidential Gun Salute. 21 canon shots no longer hidden some where =) They are just right there on sea infront of the audience! Fire Of Joy. lolx. I always wondered why..nw den i know that each guy gotta be alert and fire after the one beside him had fired. Thats y the gunshot can be heard from one end to the other. Okok.. im a kuku. March Past. I duno what they are called, heh.. can i call them flag bearers? They will be marching i think 3.2km, from Esplanade to the Merlion Park to City Hall. Cool. Oh ya, companies such as Sembcorp, Capitaland and NTUC are also marching with their company flags. And den i thought of Jonathan. Wonder is he watching the Parade also? Or its juz another boring parade for him where it rains every year, as he said. Lolx. 'Hey Jon! Its NOT raining todae!!' Woohoo.

Chapter 4 - The First Wave. 'Regardless of race, language or religion'.

We have the Malay song 'Selamat Datang' - Welcome to Sg at the back of the stage, followed by Chinese Dance in the middle and my FAV! - Indian dance thats so impressively performed in two 6 storey tall grids! I love the grids.. so nice! U noe.. the Indian dancers in the grid have to undergo a height training at the Commandos sch for this performance!

Chapter 5 - Fast Forward - 'Prosperity & Progress' Nice opening by Vernetta and Michelle Chong. Vernetta represent the East and Michelle at West. Lolx. I especially love this phrase.

M: Im at the west, in Jurong!
V: Ure at the Jurong factory?
M: Wrong. u think jurong only got factory? We have the best 2 unis here!

Woohoo!!!

And we have short performance from 60s to present.

60s - 'Jin Tian Bu Hui Jia' sang by a lady in cheongsam. Oh i love her cheongsam..heh heh.
70s - Disco! Led by Suhaimi Yusof dancing agogo..hehe
80s - Lets Mambo Jambo~ woohoo. We have construction workers dancing (dancer lar) and drummers druming in my fav grid!
90s - Spice Girls and Macarena dance..haha
Presnt - Here in Sg (if i din get it wrong) ha. Im too focused to hear 1 of Justin Ce Tian song 'Volar' opening song. haha. surprise surprise.

And the last portion of this segment is a interview of 'moment with residents of our last kampung'. They are invited to the Sg Flyer..ha. Nw den i know Sg last kampung is in Buangkok.

Chapter 6 - Against All Odds 'As One United People'. Samuel Wong performing Pipa. Woooo... kinda charming. Like those talented guys in the ancient china times. *drool* And my god brother Shulih's platoon performance. Nw i get it when the Oh Bros acted 'a box on my head'. I find it cute and cool lo. And den we have this song'I will survive' by Koh Ching Mun. Love it!! Surprised to know that she had battled with her cancer. God Bless.

Chapter 7 - When i grow up 'So as to achieve happiness' So cute!! Its on kids saying their ambition. Lolx..cute kids! One kid wanna be President of Sg and one wanna be a PSP helper! Lolx. I think few months back in the news, there is this kid who actually invented something related to PSP. Is he the one?

Chapter 8 - Heartland. 'To build a democratic society based on justice and equality.' We have Weilian and Gayle Nerva from Sg Idol last season. Great voice she has! I simply love the music arragenment. Lovely and lively, songs intercepting after another especially the last part 'for this is where i know iim home' echo with 'love love love' (is the words 'love love love' hor.. not Jolin's song..lol) There is also this short speech by Sir Lee Hisen Long (duno is which yr de speech) where he talked abt the 1968 national parade. Heavy downpours when the marching starts. People are waiting to see if the army wil run away for shelter or persever. They persever and thats the spirit of sg!

Chapter 9 - Little Red Dot - 'For Our Nation'. Have performers from Soka Association as the red dots and world class musician from Singapore being 'brought back' to homeland by airport trolley.

Chapter 10 - What do you see? Finale. 'Our Pledge' Absolutely love this finale! Slides of singaporeans from differnet aspect and love this slide of NS Army captioned 'Every Singaporean Son'. I took my hp, lit a cigarette. 8.12pm. 10 more mins. Its sing-songs again. LOVE LOVE LOVE the music arrangement! No full length songs.. all re-arranged and lively! 'Stand up, stand up for singapore..' and all audience including parliament members all stood up and our dearest President Nathan! So touching! We sings and wait for 8.22pm.

The moment came. Donkey years since i took the pledge or seriously sing my national anthem. We dun have to remember the words cos we shld noe it. My tears dropped as i pledge and sing. =)

Great Parade!! And President Nathan stayed throughout the Parade wor.. =)

2009-07-22T00:44:00.002+08:00

Justin - 运

AT 24...

I realised certain ppl aint that impt as they used to be.

At 24...

My pri sch fren lost his love and his dad.

At 24....

My childhood fren lost her bestest fren, doggy ronnie.

At 24...

Ms Y had a new found love and is happily in love =)

At 24...

Everything seems so fragile yet strong to an extent

At 24...

We are still trying to search the person within ourselves

At 24..

I love my dad finally.

At 24...

I knew a journalist!

God is listening. =)

2009-07-22T00:36:00.002+08:00

Justin - 运

14 days his dad outta town.

3 days i stay over. deleted the porridge pic though..i got help to cook!

Nvm... this is our lunch, cooked by him.

The light with us during our smoking break at his dry kitchen.. overlooking the view from a 19th floor! =)

Pardon me.. my ph sucks!

2009-07-20T23:24:00.001+08:00

test

2009-07-17T23:37:00.002+08:00

林依晨 - 甜蜜花园

Pls tell me its a turning point.

A different attitude towards friendship.

A different attitude towards family.

21 more mins. Ive forgotten which bdae celebration it is that we started celebrating each other bdae. 20th? or 21st?

I took the initiative to msg u that dae. If darrice did not call me, i guess i will still leave things as it is. Am i living in denial? or am i too scared to face it? y did i feel nothing at all when i heard those songs we used to sing, feel nothing at all when i walk to those places, feel nothing at all when our sms were so short and simple? I try to feel back the 'friendship', try to squeeze some tears out, try to smile, today i even try to imagine u walking by my side talking or in silence, but i feel nothing. No hard feelings.. totally nothing.

U r either in reservist or u have her and/or ur frenz to celebrate with u. Happy early 15 mins advance bdae.

Wish that ur life and everything will be as wat u wished for.

2009-06-29T21:41:00.002+08:00

i dun feel angry or upset when i see the pics that she uploaded. Of the pics u 2 took together. I cant believe she can make u pose infront of the camera. Hw great is love.

U look great. Sarcastically, ure wearing the ralph lauren polo i bought for u when taking one of the pics.

Im truly glad to c u in the pics.

2009-06-21T00:37:00.000+08:00

Tank - 如果我变成回忆

I dreamt of u last night.

The feeling is so real that i thought its real. Ure juz beside me.

But this time, i did not run away from u.

Its u who run away from me.

Hope u r doing well.

God bless u.

of

2009-06-06T00:24:00.003+08:00

如果我变成回忆 - Tank

Tank is singing from experience, thats y his songs touched many people. Tks to my not working for 3 months that i din missed this news on Show's program. Tank went to show's program to promote his album. There is a solemness in him. They din revealed much. Only revealed that he din appear for almost 2 years due to some family matters and also his health. Turned out that he had heart problem. Hes only 27.

I would have been still a idiot if i like history repeats again. So i stopped it. Rudy tried asking for the same favour. I turned down. I duno if my so called brothers remembers my bdae. They msged me a few minutes before my bdae ends. One after another. They either forgotten to msg me on my bdae 12am itself and tried to make up ard 12am before it ends or one of them remember and ask if another one had msg. In any case, its still a forgotten case. I slept early. Saw those msg and darrice missed call the next dae. sent a thank u msg to them. darrice replied asking y i nv ans his call. He wants to celebrate my bdae. Hw early. If i let history repeats again, i will reply 'sure, fix a date'. If i let history repeates, i will even ask sp 'hw r u'.

But the fact is, ive put aside all past emotion and look through the efforts of the so called brothers who din even do any plannin ahead. as usual. Of cos i cant deny there is sadness and gladness. I let truth speaks for itself. No point bringing up anything that had happened in the past. At my most downest, neither of them are at my side. I now see it as a blessing in disguise.

No point in staying close to people who only takes advantage of me. If there is always another fren or another gf more impt than me, sorrie, pls get out of my life. U've enter my life before, its now a closed gate for u. Ive relied on u for years to occupy my life, those years that were lost, i will gain back relying on myself. My world will do its vacumming of your presence bit by bit.

Till then.. i will restore vanessa.

2009-06-06T00:19:00.002+08:00

累了照惯例努力清醒着

也照惯例想你了

好怕一放心睡了

心跳在梦中不听话的就停止了

听着呼吸像浪潮摆动着

越美丽越让我忐忑

我还能珍惜什么

如果我连自己的脉搏都难掌握

如果我变成回忆退出了这场生命

留下你错愕哭泣

我冰冷身体拥抱不了你

想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行

我会恨自己如此狠心

如果我变成回忆终于没那么幸运

没机会白着头发

蹒跚牵着你槛门上搂紧

漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈

若有人可以让他陪你我不怪你

快乐什么时候会结束呢

哪一刻是最后一刻

想把你紧紧抱着

可知你是我生命中的最舍不得

如果我变成回忆退出了这场生命

留下你错愕哭泣

我冰冷身体拥抱不了你

想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行

我会恨自己如此狠心

如果我变成回忆终于没那么幸运

没机会白着头发

蹒跚牵着你槛门上搂紧

漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈

若有人可以让他陪你

如果我变成回忆最怕我太不通气

顽固的赖在空气霸占你心里每一寸空隙

要让依然爱我的你痛苦承受失去

这样不公平请你尽力把我忘记

2009-05-28T19:19:00.002+08:00

In younger days,

I told myself my life would be my own

And I’d leave the place where sunshine never shone

For my life’s too short for waiting

when I see the rising sun

Then I know again that I must carry on

Carry on till tomorow,

there’s no reason to look back

Carry on, carry on, carry on

Beyond the shadows of the clouds

and onward to the sky

Carry on till I find the rainbow’s end

For my life’s too short for waiting

when I see the rising sun

Then I know again that I must carry on

Carry on till tomorow,

there’s no reason to look back

Carry on, carry on, carry on

Drifting on the wings of freedom,

Leave this stormy day

And we’ll ride for tomorrow’s golden fields

For my life’s too short for waiting

when I see the setting sun

Then I know again that I must carry on

Carry on till tomorow,

there’s no reason to look back

Carry on, carry on, carry on

And when the heavy journey’s done,

I’ll rest my weary head

For the world and it’s colours will be mine

For my life’s too short for waiting

when I see the setting sun

Then I know again that I must carry on

Carry on till tomorow,

there’s no reason to look back

Carry on, carry on, carry on

2009-05-27T13:04:00.004+08:00

花样男子(韩版)A’ST1 - 惋惜的心情

Ive sent you gals the sms. Im fine nowadays, still looking for job. Sometimes if there is no interview, i can crooped up at home all day, all week. There is a period of depression but i had my sis and my dad by my side to support me through. Its so tough being my fren and sis but even tougher for my dad.

U gals have noe already, the only person i meet during these 3 months is only weiqi. Not even SP. We haven met or even communicated since that incident in March. And its 2 months. Its lonely without him and miss him so much. U noe how much he meant to me. He is like a cigarette. My addiction. U gals noe im a heavy smoker. Thats how much the addiction for him is. I did not regret now, that i caused that incident to happen. Im glad it happened. If not, how would i noe how does it feels to be a father's daugher. Dun understand?

I used to be someone who dislike my job, hangs out with frenz after work for dinner and drinks. My whole 7 years involves SP and the gals of which, the early years, i see SP as the most impt person in my life. I dun like to go hm early. I spend money like there is no tml and smoke like there is no tml too. Ktvs, movies, restaurants, cafes. I nv felt that my fam is impt. Took my dad for granted. If u can remember, i always grumbles abt him. Till Henry came along. Though he makes me uneasy, he still deserve the credit for saying that simple sentence. Maybe its that simple sentence that breaks the wall inside me towards my dad.

Smoking is no longer a addiction when im broke. Its tough. I can dig out all my money juz to buy cigarettes. Although now, if i have the money, i will still struggle to decide whether to buy a pack a not. This jobless situation plus the incident between him and me might be a turning point in my life.

My actions, my thoughts, feelings and words towards him for the past 7 years are slowly reflecting back to me. Its so one -sided. And ive given in so much to him. Alot of things, ive crossed beyond the friendship line. Maybe its this discovery or realisation that im not able to face him again. Im not confident that i will not cross the line again. Just like the struggle to buy a pack of cigarettes.

2009-05-27T12:47:00.001+08:00

花样男子(韩版) 金侑京- 星光泪水

花样男子(韩版) . My sis and i are watching it since episode 1 on channel U. Ive actually watched it online 2 months back... 2 more episode to go. Love the acting and story line than the taiwan version. Most of the songs are fantastic. Like this one im listening to. Translation of the song.

你对我来说是多么的重要

你离开我身边是多么的伤心

但是你的心里现在已没有了我

告诉我你还记得我

我在路上寻找却找不到你

我在原地哭泣你的背影模糊

想着你的抱歉我的心依然很痛

告诉我你还爱着我

I will be waitting for you

眼泪我早已没有

看着天上的星星

我还是会想到你

You let me know

我已彻底放你走

你现在已经自由

我不会为你掉眼泪

我是真的放开了

我在告诉我自己

想问你离开我是你的决定么

花样男子(韩版) Ashily-Lucky

如果我辛苦时 lucky in my life

他就想梦一样回到我身边

如果悲伤时我 Lucky in my dream

他一定会温暖的保护着我

无论何时都这样微笑我

就算世上充满苦难我绝对

不希望被看见留下眼泪

即使是那个不懂我的心的他

即使很遥远能够收藏他的微笑那也是种幸运吧

想要哭泣的时候 lucky in my love

在想象里看见他帅帅的样子

郁闷的时候我 lucky in my world

他一定会像梦境一样拥抱我

无论何时都这样微笑我

就算世上充满苦难我绝对

不希望被看见留下眼泪

即使是那个不懂我的心的他

即使很遥远能够收藏他的微笑那也是种幸运吧

:::For Love:::

所有的事情都变得美好让我很幸福的事

在这孤单的世界上我再一次许下我的愿望

无论何时都这样微笑我

就算世上充满苦难我绝对

不希望被看见留下眼泪

即使是那个不懂我的心的他

即使很遥远能够收藏他的微笑那也是种幸运吧

他只再一步走近

花样男子(韩版) Someday - 你知道吗

你知道吗

someday

倘若再次相遇我要与你一同欢笑

我会等待这一天的到来

因为你是我的宝物...

每一个到来的日子

都有它的意义

无论是与你的相遇

还是之后的事情

将会变成什么模样

相信并不是由任何人来决定

而是自己朝着未来一步步前进

你不经意的一句话

却让我俩从此分开

但如今我俩依然强烈思念着对方

你说我红红的鼻子很可爱

可以遇见你我真的觉得很开心

与你之间的一堆相片与Email 都是我珍贵的宝物...

我俩共度的时光虽然不是那么长

但是我俩感情的深度却难以丈量

我无法只把它当成

一段会逐渐褪色的回忆

与你共度的时光不能用任何事物取代

若是某一天在某处

能够与你相遇

为了可以用笑容面对你

我要好好的谈恋爱

等到有一天

让你看见一个崭新的我

尽管我改变了发型你也没有注意

不过能够遇见你我真的觉得很开心

就算我忌妒你也没有生气

只是紧紧将我拥入了怀里

你曾经这么的温柔...

与你一同听过的歌

你的香味你的习性

与你一同看过的天空

与你一起走过的路

倘若再次相遇我要与你一同欢笑

我会等待这一天的到来

2009-05-14T23:03:00.001+08:00

"You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes"

2009-05-14T19:20:00.001+08:00

Ive found strength in music. Found back my passion for singing thats lost along the way with him.

2009-05-14T19:00:00.004+08:00

Vae 許嵩 - 两种悲剧

To me, he is China version of Jay Chou. But of cos, i still love my Jay. This is a nice short song, but unable to find in Youtube.

Hear it here den. http://www.imeem.com/people/YvJNhll/music/De_EXZN_/vae-demo/

看过了太多太多风景

抽光了一层一层悬疑

剩下的不要告诉我

这叫真心呐那也叫真性情

遇见了不诚实的幽灵

迷路了在这城市的森林

感觉得到却又无法抗拒

我是一种悲剧

无药可救的悲剧

明知道不能这样下去

却还一直停在原地

想起那一段的回忆

至少我还能拥有回忆

如果扼守回忆是生命的意义

你是一种悲剧

后知后觉的悲剧

还不知道不能这样下去

所以还是深深入戏

我想你绝不会回忆

关于我的所有话题

随着时光推移全部都抛弃

Another song of his "墨尔本,晴" Listen and see if u can feel a Jay No 2, from china. =) Vae isnt in this MTV though.. and the music from this video isnt that superb either. Hmm..

Another song i like... "有何不可". This video from youtube is a cd version though.

天空好想下雨

我好想住你隔壁

傻站在你家楼下

抬起头数乌云

如果场景里出现一架钢琴

我会唱歌给你听

哪怕好多盆水往下淋

夏天快要过去

请你少买冰淇淋

天凉就别穿短裙

别再那么淘气

如果有时不那么开心

我愿意将格洛米借给你

你其实明白我心意

为你唱这首歌没有什么风格

它仅仅代表着我想给你快乐

为你解冻冰河为你做一只扑火的飞蛾

没有什么事情是不值得

为你唱这首歌没有什么风格

它仅仅代表着我希望你快乐

为你辗转反侧为你放弃世界有何不可

夏末秋凉里带一点温热有换季的颜色

Simply love his music. Lyrics and music are done by him. =) Certainly will buy his album. Another last recommendation. He composed this song for Sichuan Earthquake. The music vid is a test for your tears. "天使"

你静静坐在教室

等着老师来上课

嘴角挂着微笑

听说考试得了满分

你抬头看看窗外

这个世界很美丽

没有太在意

一切和往常一样平静

突然发生的一切

你根本来不及反应

世界黑了灾难来了

你也乘着风飞走了

我想你已经化成天使

张开双翅

是哭着离开的

有太多的不舍

太多不舍

永久成遗憾了

我想你已经化成天使

张开双翅

是笑着离开的

这短暂的旅程

温暖缤纷

梦里有爸妈疼你的样子

你去的地方很远

爱的呼唤已听不见

泪风干了心破碎了

千万次呼喊你的名字

我想你已经化成天使

张开双翅

是哭着离开的

有太多的不舍

太多不舍

永久成遗憾了

我想你已经化成天使

张开双翅

是笑着离开的

这短暂的旅程

温暖缤纷

梦里有爸妈疼你的样子

2009-05-14T18:06:00.002+08:00

至上励合-棉花糖

So... this group is not hongkonger, as i thought. Isnt duo either. 4 china plus 1 korean, interesting. Apparently, they are quite famous.

Love this song..

2009-05-05T18:54:00.002+08:00

Boy Peacemaker

My current thai band.

Internet connection was down for a few days.

Hp connection was down for a few days.

Like living back to those days where must-technology doesnt exist.

God allows me to go back to the past. Although in reality, it isnt really the case.

I used to think i cant survive without my hp.

I used to think i cant survive without music. Wherever i go, i need music by my side.

And in these past 2 months, i think i cant survive at all without internet.

I passed all tests.

When everything u used to think that is a necessity becomes distant to u, u r back to the simplest thing. Reading.

Im lucky to have met gui ren in my life. From danny to henry.

But one thing i cant change is my pride and stubborness.

One fren secretly told me few months back that another fren who is someone precious to me, the both of them had both talked abt me once before. That im a protected kid. My thinking and advice reflects that im a protected conservative kid. I take it lightly.

Everydae i cried. Every night i cried myself to slp. Everydae, my problems are still there.

Mr Tan, the occuiper of my life . Never fails to appear on my mind dae and night. No matter where am i, in my room or in a shopping mall, there will always be memories of him. Im getting used to my life now surrounded presently by the McKenttricks. Ive been through the journey with Jesse and Rance.. nw the final Keegan. And that loss moment is here again. Where can i get more cowboys?

Ive taken some stuffs out from the sticking pad paste on my 'artistic' and 'beautiful' wall and replaced them with a postcard from Nepal and 2 photographs taken at kbox yrs ago. My first bdae celebration with the gals. I pasted 2 photos of me and cs.

Platonic do exist for some people. But in my case, no.

Stopped for an hour plus..distracted by bdae cake and Keegan Mckettrick.

Its a blessing.

Hw will it feel like to read a book on a ranch, enjoying the sun, the pastures, the horses and a iced lemonade?

Gotta learn to be satisfied.

Gail Porter. Had anyone heard of her? I din till ytd on Okto. Go goggle and read abt her. Strong lady. Bald but gorgeous. I love her!

'Too many mind. Don't mind.' Simple sentence, deep meaning. Its one of the lines from The Last Samurai. One of my favourite movies.

Those who have our chinese sinseh - Bin's blog, go have a look. Entertaining posts from his recent bangkok trip. =)

2009-04-28T00:04:00.002+08:00

Meaningful lyrics.. but i still prefer the female's demo version.

杨宗纬 - 幸福的风

因为我永远只能一个人生活

孤单的快乐哀愁

偶尔可以伪装潇洒

只有心里慌乱起来自己喝酒

以为你只是一个美丽的偶然

吹淋我不经意降落

谁知道你不同

谁知道你不走

拥抱著我说终于找到了我

你看穿我的冷漠

亲吻我的烦忧

不在乎我曾经的错

如果不是你的款款温柔

还以为真爱只是一个传说

请相信我的承诺

虽然有点笨拙

但我看见幸福的风

如果我把我的手放在背后

愿不愿意牵著一起走

以为你只是一个美丽的偶然

吹淋我不经意降落

谁知道你不同

谁知道你不走

拥抱著我说终于找到了我

你看穿我的冷漠

亲吻我的烦忧

不在乎我曾经的错

如果不是你的款款温柔

还以为真爱只是一个传说

请相信我的承诺

虽然有点笨拙

但我看见幸福的风

如果我把我的手放在背后

愿不愿意牵著一起走

你看穿我的冷漠

亲吻我的烦忧

不在乎我曾经的错

如果不是你的款款温柔

还以为真爱只是一个传说

请相信我的承诺

虽然有点笨拙

但我看见幸福的风

如果我把我的手放在背后

愿不愿意牵著一起走

愿不愿意牵著到最后

2009-04-27T23:15:00.003+08:00

Ive stepped out of my house after having cooped myself in-house for 7 days.

Everything also still the same.

Before going out, my long time no c cum used to be one of my best frenz, msn me. She asked me hw am i and shared with me instantly that she was heartbroken cos she had ended a rs. Another pri sch fren had also ended his rs. But we all noe that the world still spins and we are still living despite a dead rs.

Im surprised to c desmond leaving a long long msg in regards to his grandma's funeral. A part of me at that moment feels that he is silly when he says he intends to tatoo his grandma name as a momento. But its still sweet, isnt it. Imagine a associate director talks abt tatooing to his subordinate and broadcast on facebook. Wat courage.

Todae ive been to a place that we used to go. I broke down when i reached hm. Tml will be a mth. The longest time we haven been in touch. Ive come to realise this sentence. 'Its not that i cant forgive u. Its that i cant forgive myself'. Cant forgive myself for leaving u alone the other dae. That moment i reach hm that dae, i cried. And almost instantly, that qns came up and i knew the ans. Its beta this way now. All these years, as usual, its all one-sided.

Hermit crab. A fren said she thought im going to be hermit crab. Todae i felt that ive the world's most priviledge meal. I had a fillet-o-fish meal at mac. Maybe God heard my craving ytd. These past 2 months, most of my meals are either maggie mee, homecooked porridge or rice. At mac juz nw, i thought hw easily i spent my money in the past. Hw i ignore the importance of a meal. Hw sinful of me to spend 10 bucks in 4 hrs. Hw easily i spent hundred in a dae in the past. Hw ez it is to flag a hand for cab. Hw hard a dad gotta pay for the hsehold. I dun meant to ignore him. I duno how to face him. I duno how to face everyone. I felt so useless in the hse. I felt so useless as a fren. I enjoyed being alone. But when the time is up, i find tears rolling down uncontrollably. That im once again escaping.

New fav thai song by Golf Mike. Main song from a thai drama too. No 1 in thai music chart also..

2009-04-25T18:49:00.001+08:00

You've been on my mind this often recently.

No matter is daytime or night time, weekday or weekend, its all u. Cos all these years, most of my free time were spent with you.

Ive not touch alcohol for at least 2 months. Todae i found one can of Heinekan in my fridge. One taste of it, brought me back immediately to Halo Bar with Brian. Of all people.

Whenever i thought of him, i will juz shook that thought away.

Like u, he is part of a memory.

I wanted to get my licence. But i always got no heart to start studying. I hope i'l get the temp assignment and by the time the assingment date is up, i already will have my licence and i can start work.

God, please stay with me. Please dont let this be another wilful wish of mine as it had happened hundred of times. I believe u've heard me.. that im so much in need of a income right now.

2009-04-25T15:27:00.005+08:00

2009-04-22T00:44:00.002+08:00

Somebody copied and paste to his blog...

I went to that blog and shortlisted the below interesting posts.

My favourite is this:

"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML"

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

2009-04-18T03:48:00.003+08:00

This is certainly amazing and all planned. Pardon me for being stunned as such real life case rarely happen to me.

I mentioned in my previous entry that i took the scripture from my drawer and randomly pick a page for His answer. I said that i dun quite understand the meaning. I din mentioned that when i flipped the scripture, its a para from which section, i din noticed. I read a little hoping there will be a answer somewhere when my fan blew the pages further back to this section 'Jeremiah'. I remembered it cos, its Cher's 2nd son name. I read the first few para and din get His answer and thats where as mentioned in my previous post, i broke down and i get back to my lappy.

Just only, after blogging the previous post, i re-read my blog and saw Wenjie blog. I clicked on it and look through his entries. And sth juz dawned on me that i actually planned to blog abt the lost friendship during my sec sch yrs in the previous post. Bt i left it out. Before my lappy hang, im playing fb - stil in the irritated mode due to the constant hanging. I saw yueling fb and pf fb. I recalled that sec 3 form teacher Mr Michael whatever, who fought for more than half of the 3c student who were told to repeat another year in sec 3 and im one of them. Images flashes by that it only seemed that it was ytd where pf and i exchange our daily letters every morning. Either she will come to 4c or i will go to 4b. Different classes, but we nv fail to meet before sch, during recess and after sch. I dun even remember what we used to talk abt now. The only thing i recalled is when i skipped sch and she and xiu came over with curry rice and chicken. While waiting for our O result, 3 or 4 of us temp at a factory and ard that time, she is already aattached to dennis - nw her husband.

Recalled back, i din attend her wedding held 2 mths back. I din meant to blog these out... it all juz comes naturally. Maybe He wants me to face events that im escaping. To face those regrets. To think back that there used to be a period of time when i gave up on myself but there are frenz who din give up on me till i made them give up on me. The friendship of yueling and shiyun. Our 3cs juz only have less than 10 gals. We are the worse upper sec class. Yet, they nv gave up on me. But i caused them to. They bear such high tolerance on me. Knowing abt my mum death and my skipping classes, they nags, scold, advise and offer help in my studies and hang out with them after sch. But i gave myself up.

I duno y im talking abt the past again. Maybe He noes that im too engrossed in my current state.

Ok..back to topic.

At wenjie's, i saw ben's pic and thought of adding them at fb. Fb again. Den i went over to this special gal - Adeline's blog. I called her special cos we were once the inseparable. She is the first fren i noe in my life. Thinking back, maybe its His plan that we were neighbour. That we are the same age. That dad juz happen to not have a presence in our life . That my kidergarden was with her. A catholic church. She is a catholic. Recently, i juz thought of that church and thought of when im schooling there, there seemed to be once where all of us have to kneel down and pray. We lost touch for some years and got to keep in touch few years back. Ever since i believe in Him, her blog has been a certain direction and strength for me. Like her, in some way or others, ive experienced his intentions. I remember few days back in fb, there is this update abt her. Ive put a note that dae to look at it. But forgot abt it.

I rememebered it juz nw and after reading her blog, i went to FB and look at her profile. I thought its one of those trips that she went but it turned out that the its a group that she had added. I looked through her pics and hey, John, her big bro had married and nw had a baby. And images of him in his river valley uniform appeared in my mind as well as image of the 2 fam playing monopoly. I den browse through her fb profile and saw this 'The Word Of God' thing. I thought its a application whereby Words of God will be reflected daily in this application. But no, it isnt and it isnt my point also. Cos of my assumption, i clicked on it and as mentioned, the application isnt as said. Its like those gift application where u gotta select one and send to ur frenz. I almost wanna go to explore other things when i noticed that, hey those background are nice and i could use them for my msn pic. So i look through all and this caught my eyes. It said
'The Plans He had for me'. There is a voice inside me that saes go and open it. Sth juz wake me up. Ive been talking abt His Plan His Plans and His Plans and as mentioned in my previous post, i randomly flipped through the scripture and i dun get his answer. I clicked on that, and there is this quote

' For I know the plans i have for you
declares the Lord,
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you hope and a future"
- Jeremiah 29:11

God heard me. My previous post saes 'Of cos i can reasoned with myself that i can control it but i rather choose to believe its Him.' It seemed that He doesnt want me to reasoned with myself. He wants to prove to me that He really exist in my life and is listening to my cries. If not, can anyone explain this series of coincidence in less than an hour?

2009-04-18T02:38:00.002+08:00

Ive been asking Him if this is the route. If its his plan. Of cos i cant hear his reply. I haven really accept J.

Amazingly, God did answered my prayer on one thing. At least its a true fact that He actually heard me. Of cos i can reasoned with myself that i can control it but i rather choose to believe its Him.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow till one week had passed. Y did i have to take that exam. Y cant i find a normal office job. Y muz it be sth that i nv wanted to do? Only He noes the answer. Maybe he felt that its time for me to stop being so wilful and start seeing things from another view. If this really isnt the plan, den of all companies y did i chanced upon that one after 3 years again? If it really isnt the plan, y muz there be such a small team in that company that coincide with wat im looking for? I can only pray He will not leave me.

These few days ive been a crybaby. I questioned Him if its his plan that things turn out this way. That my life without him is so lonely that i have to seek Him. Of cos i cant hear his reply. But an understanding and a stateme nt juz dawned on me. A realization that my eyes and heart are opened, as i requested from Him few days back.

Whenever im with him, there seem to be a gap between us or rather a blind from me to him. Im blinded by him. Its almost a mth since we last contact.. another 5 more days will be a mth. This one month, im sorta confined to my house and my family. I meet no one and talk to no one but my sis and dad. And nw, Him. I thought abt alot alot of our 7 yrs of friendship. He had his new life and i asked Him to wake me up. I even selfishly wanted to replace our friendship with another. I thought of getting a new guy bff to replace him. But instantly, i shook off that idea. My bff isnt someone who can easily be replaced by another new person. Thats the advantage of keeping those movie tickets.

HE let me undergo a experience and i saw the ugliness in Rudy. Despite noeing im in this situation nw, he made things worse.

I sensed that im getting colder dae by dae and HE makes me realised im still a human. I cried when i watched Susan Boyle sang Les Miserables todae on Youtube. That lady really touched me with her voice. I cried alittle when i saw my dear cutie binky. That virtual creature innocent manner nv fails to touch my heart.

I love Him. Whenever i need him, he will sort it out for me. Each step of acceptance is stronger though each step took me several years.

An hour ago, I was very irritated and annoyed with my laptop for the slow connection and constant hanging, annoyed at myself for landing myself in these shits. My scripture as wat they called, i kept it in my drawer. There is a struggle as to whether to take that out or leave it. Just like that, i took it out. I have so much uncertainties that i said my usual method to Him. I will randomly flipped a page and u tell me, if its the answer. Of cos, as usual, its nt the ans. But at least this time round, certain para seemed related. I still dun get it though. And i juz broke down, holding the scripture, talking in silence to Him and cry.

Like in movies or in some real life case, i hope to hear him. But of cos, i din. I told him maybe its cos i had yet to accept J and there is a wide wide gap between us.

My point is - after that, i kept my scripture back to my drawer and i continue to use my laptop. If it failed, i will juz restart it again. Amazingly, it doesnt even hang a sec. I told Him several times todae that i ought to stop playing fb and start on my revision and i seek His help. Its good that He din help. Made me stop harboring thoughts that He should grant each and every of my request. Ironically, he even made my lappy work. That instant, i can only sae im spoiled by His love. Like a mischievous child wanted to watch tv but the mum wanna him to do his hmwork, yet, cos she wanna spoil him a little, she allows him to watch slightly longer.

My heart felt calmer.

2009-04-13T12:22:00.002+08:00

Is God responding to me?

I think He is. If not, why would i received Cheryl's email on the team building short term project? Den maybe Cheryl has always been the angel sent by God to me. He is always there but i always choose to reject.

God responded to me again. Later in the evening, i will b meeting up with Henry again to talk more abt the job scope and on the salary.

For those who are interested, cheryl's colleague has this meaning project of building houses for the needy in batam. For more infor, http://www.habitat.org.sg/batam.html

What caught me eyes first is this para:

About Us
Founded by Millard Fuller and his wife Linda in 1976, Habitat for Humanity (HFH) International is a non-profit Christian housing organisation with a mission to eliminate poverty housing worldwide by building simple, decent houses with the help of the homeowner families themselves and volunteers.

Doesnt the timing comes just right?

2009-03-29T18:08:00.001+08:00

Your heart and your emotions are on the same page, Vanessa, but you may find that they are not on the page you want them to be. It could be that you are reminiscing about an event from the past. What was once a happy set of encounters is now leaving you feeling like there is a whole rosebush of thorns in your side. Focus on the present, and let the past become history.

2009-03-28T02:39:00.002+08:00

Dear fren

i did it. i really did it.

28 march 2009, i left u alone in the cinema.

without looking back.

y did u ask me out for movie when u will be sleeping again?

Things are almost like the same except, u had a ring on ur finger.

We haven met for 2 weeks.

This is the second time, i left without goodbye.

This is the first time, i left without our movie ticket.

I left it on the armchair. U woke up for awhile and accidentally swept it away.

I wanted to leave. But i dun dare to. I waited..snore after snore.

Y.

U said u cant accept smoker. Thats the first criteria.

U said no ah lian.

U have moved on.. its me who still wants to remain in the past.

U still have the same look.

Ur skin is much beta. I guessed, it must be her who bring u to facial.

Maybe to move on, i also have to let go.

一直是我陪你去躲回忆里的雨

你无心的叹息有心碎的声音

他的好他的坏他的不安定

他的故事是我和你爱情里的乌云

从我爱上爱他的你那个瞬间起

一直是雨天你只爱雨天我用伞保护你

亲吻着你苦涩味道的微笑

闭着眼睛我明白你想念他的秘密

我一直在第二顺位爱着你

一直从雨天一直到阴天

一直到晴天你逃离过去

我一直在第二顺位等着你

一直从昨天一直到今天

一直到永远我相信是我最爱你

聆听你说抱歉多过你说我爱你

你困在雨里我困在雨里我的伞湿淋淋

『没关系』是我最常说的一句

就让我等就算我冷至少我陪着你

我一直在第二顺位爱着你

一直从雨天一直到阴天

一直到晴天你逃离过去

我一直在第二顺位等着你

一直从昨天一直到今天

一直到永远我相信是我最爱你

我一直在第二顺位爱着你

一直从雨天一直到阴天

一直到晴天你逃离过去

我一直在第二顺位等着你

一直从昨天一直到今天

一直到永远我相信是我最爱你

2009-03-26T02:29:00.003+08:00

Justin always nv fails to disappoint.. love this new song a lot a lot. Ive put a new song for my blog. If u wanna watch this clip, please silence / pause my blog song. (Bottom Right of my blog)

逐晚倒数为见你准备

愿你快点又与我一起

治疗足足一个月由电话减少距离

而偏偏竟不知怎说起

是太想念你超过了预期

只想可拥著你然后吻你让你惊喜

由这一分钟我一生就只有你

明日纵使不堪阻不到我用心爱你

让我终於都明了明白你比生死重要

连话语也没法盛載得起

I'll give my life to be near you in every way

For I have nothing left to be here on this earth today

让我终於不动摇这改变因你

原谅我却试过伤害你

逐秒扩张惦记你滋味

合上眼睛像与你一起

为何分开一个月如像孤岛给隔离

寻不到飞得走的客机

是太想念你超过了预期

张开手保护你

游历世界让你惊喜

由这一分钟我一生就只有你

明日纵使不堪阻不到我用心爱你

让我终於都明了明白你比生死重要

连话语也没法盛載得起

I'll spend my life here beside you in every way

For I have nothing left to be here on this earth today

让我终於不动摇这改变因你

如若你欠信我的力气

我唱这首歌为你

2009-03-22T23:36:00.003+08:00

Yes 933

Skin starts to peel off. Still, there is pleasure of swimming with frenz than alone.

Im beginning to feel irritated with xiao di.

Ask wats my fav colour. I duno. Y muz some of the psychology tests asks this qns?

Whenever i feel that 'the world is just like this.', i will glance through Cruz and Das's blog. Nv fail to make me see that 'the world isnt just only like this.'

As if getting sunburnt, as if getting rid of bad skin and having new skin means im reborn.

2009-03-21T13:07:00.000+08:00

刘力扬 - 一个人就好

The more u try to put urself into place, the most complicated u have created urself.

I miss my BFF. I can lie a lot to alot of people. But there are certain friends, u cant bring urself to lie to them. Frenz u noe are special. There are 4 friends in my life who are special to me. These fours...

one who used to stand up for me and tries to help and listen to me when i need him, but we arent as close anymore. Someone who can easily see through me even when i lie. An expert.

Btw, numbering are not in order. Normally the best is saved for the last. U noe my eating habit. Ha.

Another one - Gives out more than what will b taken in. U dun have to give this frenz any reason if u need a help or company.

Another one - This fren used to make me cry alot. Even now. I can only sae at this moment, or even from the moment i woke up todae, ive been missing this fren. Maybe i juz dreamt of him, maybe its cos of the brkfast that i juz had with xiao di. This fren always has a special place in my heart. Like the show ytd, he is not the first one, but the only one. But this only one place, now, doesnt belong to him. No doubt i had spent the last 7 years with this fren, but certain things ive blinded myself not to see. These 2 weeks without him, i became more closer with xiao di, thought abt the various frenz i met and knew recent months and for the past year, i juz came to this conclusion that no other guys can replace you. Even as a buddy. I realised, not anyone can be someone's buddy. Im willing to watch anyone movie with anyone. So can u. But not anyone would wanna watch any movie with me. They choose. Although, so does u. Silly me..wat am i talking. Maybe no matter wat, u already is special. Im juz finding evidence to reason. But, i have no one to account for. Contradicting. Im afterall only a human. Reasoning again. -.- I missed our old hangouts. Those days of meeting in the morn, ktvs, movies, window shop. Now this special fren, dun even have a slightest idea whats going on in my life. So does i.

The last special one. There are 3 frenz in my life who have scolded me, or rather, teach me abt the society. Darrice, Jiemei and U. U noe who u r. No fren had ever love me that much as u. No fren had ever give herself so much to me. Ive always put him above u. U often ask y can i tolerate u for so long. I always answered ive tolerated a lot of u that im mad. Ive only felt that ive tolerated that little of u, but u have tolerated that much of me. When i see hw u treat me, i c hw i used to treat others. Im not the same me anyomore who gives out all of me. U r a fantastic mum, a efficient worker, a no word can describe type of fren. We have our unhappiness on how we shld treat the friendship in the past and now, we have the same telepathy of keeping a distance in a frienship. We understand that frenz dun have to meet frequently to maintain the friendship. We understand the need to be alone in our world and not being disturbed in our little space. When i need help or company, u go all the way out. U bring out the best and the ugliness in me. U showed me the kind of friendship i nv had and wun be able to get from him. The gal friendship.

2009-03-21T12:31:00.002+08:00

刘力扬 - 一个人就好

街挤满了欢笑

太不适合眼泪凑热闹

快跑快寻找

无人的转角

不优雅时候一个人最好

爱说退就退潮

我松开手回忆却没放掉

未来不来了

地球继续绕

躲回温暖的梦我一个人就好

为什么越相信谁能依靠

越换来又一次灵魂寂寥

有没有永远再不会让心绝望的解药

如果说越踏出世界一脚

越不能保留住天真微笑

那从今以后我一个人过就很好

心很平静地跳

只是寂寞潜伏像海啸

突然某一秒偷袭我眼角

眼泪自己擦掉我一个人很好

为什么越相信谁能依靠

越换来又一次灵魂寂寥

有没有永远再不会让心绝望的解药

如果说越踏出世界一脚

越不能保留住天真微笑

那从今以后我一个人过就很好

2009-03-15T23:31:00.002+08:00

罗志祥 - 第二顺位

I got the sudden urge to block mr brian lim from my msn. Trust me to allow my heart to skip a beat again when he msn me.

He asked when im starting work and gossip abit on his new project and ask if i contact anyone from ex co. Din realised that its all part of their gossips. Irene juz msg me. How coincidental can that be? And another motive of him for msning me, as usual, is ask for songs.

Hypocrites.

Initally told me to stay and learn there. Later sae C.L ask how am i doin and sae i shld join him at his new site or go back vp.

2009-03-13T03:00:00.000+08:00

罗志祥 - 撑腰

Took a simple personality test tonight. Not too accurate though it seem very accurate for the rest. Saw the usual people, surprisingly, i saw her too. I missed the whole of GC and attended the first only. She missed the first and attended the rest. Woo. Kinda surprised. Thought she quit.

Rot for 2 weeks. Yet to adjust my bio clock. Yet to go for checkup.

Ive been keeping the movie tickets since 04. The print was still clear. My intent was clearer. Consciously or unconsciously, the intent of keeping the tickets was to treat them as memoir. Just kept the movie ticket we watched last fri. Been left on my table for 1 week exactly. My intent of still keeping it todate is left with juz a matter of habit.

Upper left lid been jumping for hours.. omg omg omg.

Fri the 13th again. Haven meet xiaodi for 1 mth. Missed the last 13th fri last mth with him.

I dun miss the ex co at all. Dun miss the people except brian. Even dreamt of him in. Even in my dream, he still REJECT me. Damnit. Lolx. Cant i have a happier dream since its only a dream? Geez.

Im happy to noe my blk-mate is back to blogging. For only a dae.

Life is still the same. Less meetups with anyone. Even Sp, we meet once a week. Haven meet anyone this week. Cant believe with less than 50 bucks, i can survive for 2 weeks. Mayb shld tks my dad for buying lunch everydae without fail. I like staying at hm sometime and observe the people ard me and surfing net for news. I myself feels less political. Feels much simpler. Nothing much to grumble also.

Rudy vanished out of my world the moment my nick on msn sae i lost my hp and i personally left msg to everyone informing them to update me their no. He din reply my msg and did not online till todae. Im juz thinking abt my outstanding debts from him. A wakeup call again.

Learnt a new word todae. But shit.. i juz cant rmb.

Meaningful lyrics. 罗志祥 - 第二顺位

一直是我陪你去躲回忆里的雨

你无心的叹息有心碎的声音

他的好他的坏他的不安定

他的故事是我和你

爱情里的乌云

从我爱上爱他的你那个瞬间起

一直是雨天你只爱雨天我用伞保护你

亲吻着你苦涩味道的微笑

闭着眼睛我明白你

想念他的秘密

我一直在第二顺位爱着你

一直从雨天一直到阴天

一直到晴天你逃离过去

我一直在第二顺位等着你

一直从昨天一直到今天

一直到永远我相信是我最爱你

聆听你说抱歉多过你说我爱你

你困在雨里我困在雨里

我的伞湿淋淋

『没关系』是我最常说的一句

就让我等就算我冷

至少我陪着你

我一直在第二顺位爱着你

一直从雨天一直到阴天

一直到晴天你逃离过去

我一直在第二顺位等着你

一直从昨天一直到今天

一直到永远我相信是我最爱你

我一直在第二顺位爱着你

一直从雨天一直到阴天

一直到晴天你逃离过去

我一直在第二顺位等着你

一直从昨天一直到今天

一直到永远我相信是我最爱你

2009-03-07T05:39:00.003+08:00

唐禹哲 - 新歌

最近我学会唱一首歌

一首我心里的歌

低音是无奈的喃喃着

也听不到泪掉着

最近我最爱唱一首歌

一首可能你也爱的歌

副歌的情绪在高高的悬崖等

等待大雨疯狂了

我们都容易对号入座一首歌

反复让歌词深深呼应着

可能不同看不看开的执着

可能太痛有些画面某合

我们也容易忘记旧歌学新歌

受过伤还是有爱的资格

在每段难得的起承

酝酿我们的转合

唱一首歌我最懂的心歌

My recent favourite song. Outta job for 1 week le. Someone asked hw im feeling on my last dae. I told her its neutral. Even now, its neutral. Just like going for a holiday, its also neutral. Maybe sth is weighing down on me. Maybe there are things that cant b taken away from me even when im jobless, even when im on holiday.

Hes just not that into u. I finally watched it. My bff slept throughout the show and woke up 20 mins before the ending. Wat a waste. Love this movie as much as I love Love Actually. Just that this movie resembles me so much. Maybe, thats y Aaron nv meet.

There is this particular scene when 'Gigi' enter the pub cum diner?, and was asked by the waitress is she expecting anyone or having a reservation. She replied yes.. no.. yes .. and said actualy she is 'waiting' for someone. ('Waiting', without having a appointment. In other words, stalking.) The waitress replied 'y'. Simple if it is, if i din read the subtitles. The 'Y' in the subtitles is.. '何必做贱自己'

And ive been 做贱自己 since my first crush.. and that was like.. when im 7? Lolx.

After the movie, BFF's other half came unexpectedly (BFF noes but din told me. Would appreciate a little pre-empt though.) BFF's other half appeared from behind shouting all the way till reached us and the first few words that came out were... '三字经'. Not towards me.. juz maybe bff's partner way of talking. Anyway, as ive said to u, the choice is urs, yea?

Been sleeping in the morn for the past 1 week. Wonder could i adjust my bio clock back. I realised im being hostile to everyone when im not working. Attitude prob again. Maybe when im not working anymore, i retreated back to my world. Ugly fact. 1 week passed and i still haven gotten my bloody pay.

Happie Bdae Fang Mei Mei.

2009-02-15T22:38:00.002+08:00

I wish time would freeze at this moment.

That life would be as simple as now.

Me...reading my novel, listening to web radio, mind drifting towards my novel's destination.

Hadnt met up with him for quite some time.

Maybe, true frenz do forgive and forget.

Or maybe not?

I felt that ive noe a different fren.

But have i changed too?

I realised im not that gal who i used to be.

Does cher feel the same way?

In times when even he neglected me, she is still there.

I feel that im moving more and more into the selfish mode. That i only wanna do things that satisfy only myself.

I wish i would be surrounded by books and books all dae. lolz.. that all my fantasies will be made up of story plots of fairytales and everlasting love, friendship and family ties.

2009-02-03T00:26:00.002+08:00

Michael Damien - Was it Nothing at all

The holiday-ing is coming to a rest. Pre-xmas, xmas, NY countdown, NY, CNY visitings etc.

Made some new frenz. Spending time rotting outside with dirty jokes and good company. Gathering with ITE mates.

The bloody mid-20s is approaching me soon.. omg. And im still back to the time when i juz grad from ite. I called someone juz now. She told me a good news that surprised me. Nv thought it would happen. Well, yet to noe the final result. Might not be that good.

I told sis and cher that i finally had an argument with xiao peng you. Im happy instead. He can sense that im unhappy. Still, hes as stubborn as me. Met my match!

Its time to rush for dateline again. Geez.

7/2/09. Shld i go for this or wait till our bdae?

Robbie Williams - Shes the one

2009-01-30T13:52:00.004+08:00

These past 1 month have opened my eyes and ears to things that ive blinded myself to for months and/or years.

Certain things that i thought im priviledged to do with a certain person is actually a norm for him. Even the sweetest gift is shattered. Its god's blessing. At least, after so many years, my eyes and heart have opened up.

Another blessing. Brian came down ytd. I wasnt well. He came down to office, walked past me, walked back again, rubbed his palm against his pants, extended his palm and wished me happy new year. Im on the phone with yang and din wish him back. J came to my desk and they chatted infront of me and hes gone. J asked me smoke and go find him to ask him along, but he dun wan. When i came back, his bag on the recep counter was gone.

I heard Irene's voice and thought its impossible. When most of the staffs have gone, i heard Irene, Brian and des's voice in the conference room. They're up there, im down there rushing for my work due todae. I knew they would have to go by 9pm latest to park their car out. I duno if Brian will offer to send me home. I noe im a bit thick skinned to even think of it.. but wun harm to think wat. So my mind wander.. if he offer to send me home, will i reject or accept. I told myself i will reject. I dun wan him to kpo on my matters and take it as a gossip to my boss and others juz like my boss take me as a gossip to them.

8 plus, i heard them getting ready to leave. I heard Brian saying 'i go down see who still staying'. He walked past me and came back, stunned that im still ard. He asked me to go back early cos im not well. I juz reply not so soon. Den he said the usual lines i heard months before.. 'dun stay back too late' and went back up. Den irene shouted my name saying wanna get my help. Lolx.. its a request to help her send emails to people asking for her bdae contributions. She wanna get a cigarettes from me but ive finished all. Told them to wait for me outside while i go buy since i need to buy later too.

We smoked. They talked, i listened. I dun wanna ask qns. Dun wanna to strike any conversation since they are pals of my current boss. To me, they belong to the gossiper group. They are not adrian. Adrian dun engage in politics and gossips, at least not for the one year when im under him. When all of us have smoked finished, they carry on talking. I procrastinate whether to cut their conversation and tell them to continue talking while i get back to my work or just wait for them to finish talking and say bye to them.

Brian asked 'u dun wanna go back?' I replied 'want'. Den he sae 'u go pack, i drive u home'. I stunned for a few seconds. We still got miscommunication. I thought he meant i still dun wanna get back to work. Thought he meant that i shld get back to work instead of standing there listen to them talk. He waited for me outside while i go back and pack. I was quite tempted to go straight up to des's desk and told him my decision. But he had left the office.

The last time i sat in Brian's car was before my confession. My confession was in sept. So it had been 4 months? 4 months since we had last drank? His car still smelled the same. Still the same car refresher. The same green froggy with an addition green toy. A beach neck accesories hanging on his mirror. And a ring on his last left finger. He wear this ring on and off and i din question. He played the same tanya's disc i used to hear. I was silent most of the time. Irene called his mobile saying V.P got issue and guard cant get to Brian, so they call her. I was juz hoping he could juz sent me home asap. I fear him asking me qns. He say he need to drive to VP for awhile. VP. My last site. Sitting in the same car i sat months ago, driving past the makan place, into the guardhouse, into my memory lane. He din parked in basement and din asked if i wanna go down with him. So i waited for him in the car.

He came back after some time. Omg, and he wore a singlet inside his white long sleeved shirt. In his car, THAT tanya's song din came out. We continued the journey and he switched to another disc and conversation started. He asked have i found a job. I told him abt my new offer and told him i din accept or reject the offer. He asked y, i kept quiet. He asked abt my new year celebration. He amazed me by saying he stayed at home. He told me to cut down on my drinking. Den asked did i drink much nowadays. He said he seldom go for quickies, only during gatherings or when his frenz need a 'counsellor'. He cut down on gambling, cigarettes and beer. My eyes scanned his ring again. I kept quiet and look infront. I heard sth being put into somewhere i guessed maybe its the ring. I glanced sideway and there, the ring was gone from his finger. Maybe, its only an accessory.

He tell me to take mc tml, which is todae. I keep quiet. He say my face look sulky. I told him i always look like this. He replied, 'but todae much more sulky'. -.-

I told myself, if not for the fact that i know they have been gossiping behind my back, i would have fall into infatuation again. Their concerns and questionings to me are just a platform for them to gossip behind my back.

Gossips. Ive come back to the stage where i practically hates everyone again.

Bought new clothes and lingeries. My gals can stop nags me liao.. lolx. It all depends on mood. Like i put on makeup during new year.

There is this group of frenz that my sis hangs out with nowadays. Crazy and dirty-minded bunch of people who i enjoyed being with them too..well, but not too much. I realized a little of everything is sufficient. They are sweet people. Knowing lm sick, one cook herbal tea, one bought herbal tea. Knowing i like chocolate, one wanna buy for me but luckily was stopped by my sis. Of cos, one of them got rumour de lar. Lolx.

My heart is neutralized since ytd. He is someone that everyone thinks is important to me. More important than my family and gals. He who shattered my sweetest memory i held these years. Conforting news is, i did not cry. Maybe i am already prepared to face this.

Goals. Its time to set goals and accomplished at least one realistic goal.

2009-01-20T23:26:00.004+08:00

光良 - 右手边

My xiao peng you not feeling well todae. Im glad for him todae. Even when i saw sth after he left, i felt nothing though i grumbled to qi.

Omg.. so sad listening to this song and Yang juz msned me this out of nowhere. So sweet and touched. =)

miss yang * 2009 will definitely be a better year. says:
ya, there will be cheryl n yang yang for vanessa

Somebody is cute todae. He sae he wanna b my best fren. Lolx. Den he sae he wanna b my didi. o.O He cant give advices but he noes what i go for.

Believe in u
Ends each meet-up with a smile
Sincere to u
Together we grows

Friendship exist betweeen us
Receiving and giving
Eternity may not seem as it may be
Never giving up on u is wat our friendship meant to be.

Im crying cos im uneasy with wat i saw or am glad with wat i saw?

Maybe i dun feel special anymore.
Y the same thing happen to different people will have different result?
Y same people dun have to wait so long to achieve but i have waited so long yet see people achieving that thing i wanna achieve?

I shld be glad i have this long. I can only hope that we can still go on.

2009-01-13T01:15:00.000+08:00

宋岳庭 - 让我自己飞

I made the most wrongiest (lol) decision years ago. I even wrote many many letters to the most ridiculous soul.

Im listening to this song again. And my little boi knew him too. Surprisingly, he is the one who woke me up from blaming that particular soul. Im just making somone a scapegoat for carrying my regret. Making that someone shoulder the blame, making that someone the scapegoat for my fears. Its all my own decision. Maybe I had misinterpret that particular soul's intention.

I chose to fly away. Escape from my fears. I am inferior. I told everyone including my BFFS that i withdraw from NP cos i cant adapt to the big environment. I duno if they knew me well enuff to guess the actual reason and did not disclose me. I withdrewed from NP cos im very very very inferior to the pretty gals. Its a very shamful confession. Very very shamful. Ive been carrying this inner secret for years. I dun dare to face anyone, dun dare to tell anyone. Its my fear. A fear that costs me my diploma and several failed attempts to get a dip. I felt so out of control. So inferior. Im not willing to make any frenz and alone in my own world. This, my dear gal noe.

I blamed Aaron for all the lost motivation. I use reasons, telling myself its all cos of him. He gave me lotsa motivaton during my ite years. I used my part time jobs and excellent results as reasons to blame him for wat i am now.

I chose to escape. I dun dare to face the world alone so i made use of him. A non-existent figure who brought rainbow to my life.

People are asking my intent. Not only that psychotic Chris.F and also colleagues. I felt like im a person full of flaws when i read that book. I told people who asked me for my decision to give me time to decide. But at night and even when i have more time like weekend, i still chose to ignore it. I chose to ignore the fear inside me. I thought everything will b ok. I will get through it. I did. By escaping.

I jumped from one admin to another admin is equivalent to i escape from one experience to another experience.

I chose to quit when im in s.v is cos im afraid. I used the word 'sick'. Sick of customer service and sick of getting scoldings. Its not sick, its afraid. Its a fear. There is no one to guide me. My cm and tm runs away leaving me to face the residents and developers. The money was lost and i had to bear half of the lost sum. I duno how many people actually believe me in this incident. People can choose to doubt me. Danny and desmond can choose to terminate me. But they din. They chose to bear the other half of the lost sum and got me another site.

L.H. The longest site i stayed. Y I can stay so long cos its the most peaceful site. I did attempt to resign twice or thrice. I told my then-bosses that i wan to change line. 'Wat is ur plan?', 'where do u wanna go?' Its a mystery. I have no ans cos im attemping to escape. Cos i feel that Adrian is always making fun of me and being sarcastic. Cos sometimes the residents are mean. Cos im being scolded useless on the ph and banged on the table by residents. Its a fear. I noe subconsciously, i wan to break free. Adrian gave me lotsa opportunities. He gave me chances to draft letters and circulars and plan events.

T.C, another TOP site. I had a little mood swing and first female cm. She makes fun of my size everydae. She did my job. We get along quite well together and i still feel like leaving. Cos i cant take the stress of incoming calls and residents. Never-ending. A fear.

V.P. Its a memorable site. Alot alot of fears. There were lotsa lotsa handing overs. We were very bz. Even more bz when they moved in. There were applications and more applications.. paperworks and more paperworks. I used up my weekends, day and night. People and frenz see my as hardworking, as slogging my time for the estate. But it could be im a slow worker. It could be ive made mistakes in my work and i had to use my weekends to makeup for the mistake that i had made. Brian is always right in repimanding me. I had a very very bad habit. I dun report my work to him one by one when its done. I always wanna wait till i have finished all of my 'to-do' tasks assigned by him to report to him and im always lack of the time to fully finish all. Thats y he always asked if im ok and whether am i stressed out with my work. He used to tell me to let him or winnie noe if i cant cope with my work, cos he can assigned them out to the techs. But i always keep quiet. He is still short-tempered and swing swing swing. But he taught me things. At least, he is the first one who reprimanded me for my handwritting. I duno .. what is the reason that i fear him? Cos i noe that im not a efficient worker and is a drag to the team? My work proved everything. I thought Adrian had brought me out good enuff to show that im a good AA. But im so wrong. Look at how i made them suffer for the cash register book. Look at how i made them suffer for the complaint and feedback book. Look at how the filing system i set-up had costs them so much trouble. I chose to escape. I noe im not performing so i chose to escape. I tendered. Brian had been giving me opportunities after opportunities to consider going back. Im not trying to be big shot by being indecisive. I fear. I cant face my incompetence. Cant face my inefficient.

I am not the victim. They are. The site team gotta suffer for my incompetence and inefficient. I am not the angel. They would have been a great team if not for me. Although i nv knew wats winnie's intention of doing things, yet she is right when she msned me saying she is very angry with me cos she had to clear my shits. It my shame. My guilt. I left shits for them and escape to start-up.

I always try to avoid seeing brian when he came down to hq. i knew he is unhappy with me. But he din voiced out to me. He might have told others, but not me.

I did not do things my 100 percent. I am not firm when talking to residents. I always try to give in and giving in means compromising. Its my weakness. I dun have good handwritting. I am not good at understanding problems and instructions. Wat am i good at? A good-for-nothing mayb.

There are some people out there who counsels me. Most of them able to see through me. Most of them asking wat i want. Ive been asking myself that for years. I thought i noe wat i want. I always thought i knew. Just like now. I think of life too simply. I wan to escape. I dun wan to be committed to anyone, anyjob. The market is bad. I told myself that its ok, i can temp ard for months till i got that thing. But yet, i dun dare to tell whoever who ask wats my plan.

I have frenz who disagree with my decisions and actions. Frenz who felt that i shld do this. Yet there is someone who tells me dun listen to frenz. Cos to them, u r indecisive. Eveeryone sees me as indecisive. There are always my concerns and my fears. I dun dare to face my fears. Maybe, im indecisive. I dun dare to face Brian and the site team and the never-satisfied residents. Thats y i chose not to return to VP. Yet i enjoyed the freedom and interactions with colleagues and residents at times.

I fear my current boss. Cos she is too particularr, meticulous and fast. I fear working with her and i guess many people noe. She is my fear. I chose to escape my fear by tendering. Wanting to escape. Wats my plan, people asked. The market is bad and u dun have a specfic line tat u wanna go, y not consider stay. People are saying the same things. My standard ans is i duno where i wanna go. Dun ask me.. i really duno. Ive been searching for that ans for years and i still dun have the ans. I always told whoever who asked, the above reply. Cos im always escaping from my fears. So i nv noe wat i want.

It hurts a little when des ignored me this evening after i gave him my reply. He got every right to be upset with me. Cos of me. I thought he only meant to put me back cos vp still cant find my replacement. But he offered me other places too. But i rejected him again. I cant do it to him again if i chose to take E's offer. One person told me during dinner juz now, not to work under des again. Ive seen the des who talk to me when he wanna me to stay and ignore me when i rejected him. But im the one who gave him hope twice that i will consider his offer when he approached me twice, and rejected him twice. Im not someone big. Though my size is. Im juz a AA with only a ITE cert. Ive repaid Danny by going to LH and helping him during AGMs when he asked and with other sites' admin stuffs. But ive nv done anything to repay des when he helped and gave me chance after s.v's incident.

There are alot of fears to face shld i go back. I dun wan to go back to vp. Its a very simple statement. Even by typing out, i felt so much lighter. Even by thinking of going back, my heart feel so heavy. Its a fear, i now realised. I fear having to live those fearful months again. Fear facing the site team, facing their ' i noe it' looks, fear facing the demanding residents, fear facing my own shits tha i had left them and if they had cleared, i fear i might do it to them again. Fear next yr AGM. Fear having to see HQ and site staffs at company events. Its all fear. And i can escape all of these honestly, by running away. I can easily escape everything and everyone and 'start afresh' by working elsewhere far far away from them.

Im very afraid to face my fears. Maybe im facing my fears now. But im scared to deal with them. Its a big fear. Of cos it is a 'wise' idea to juz serve my notice till it ends and find another job. Cos if i go back again, i will make my stink reputation even stinker. My life at the company is just like my studies route. I jumped from one site to another site, from one dept to another dept, juz like im jumping from one institution to another institution. And i will only keep jumping and jumping till.. who noes when. Den dun jump. If u think that u wana face ur fears, go face it. I can hear some frenz saying. So easy right. To some people, fear is juz a word. Like apple, like radio, like music. It used to be a word to me too. Cos im afraid to face its meaning. Just like a psychologist telling u 'its not ur fault'. U smiled back at him. Ur mind and heart dun wan to absorb anything except that its jux words. The psychologist says 'listen to me, its not ur fault'. U smile a little.. u fidget a little. The psychologist says 'listen. listen to me. its n.O.t ur. fault'. U struggled. Ur eyebrow knitted close. Ur heart is heavy. U broke down and cry. Words are simple word, if u ignore the truth and meaning behind them. Its not aaron who caused me to be a living zombie. I just cant face the fear of him leaving me. No matter how transparent he is, he is my life float. I cant face the fear of him leaving me out there to face the world alone. He is there when mummy is gone. And i need mummy. I need my mummy. I cant face the fact that she is gone. The last time i went to pay my respect, im so numb. I felt nothing. I dun wan to face her tablet. I cant bring myself to face her tablet.

No one can truly understand another one. We all judge logically. Who am i to counsel little boi. Who am i to want to make him feel beta. Who am i, a inferior freak to counsel him, another inferior one? We are all not ready to face our fear.

Been blogging this for an hour plus. My ashtray is infront of me for an hour plus. Wat do u call a father who nag and worried that u smoke so much yet emptied ur ful loaded ashtray? I love my dad. He used to be my greatest fear when im young. I nv like to sae mushy stuffs to my family. never. There might be a fear, i duno. Or maybe its cos im a chinese.

2009-01-11T03:50:00.002+08:00

Im not alone in this world undergoing the bad time. In fact im luckier to be out of the bad times while there is someone out there who is still undergoing it. He is numb now. He chose to be numb cos he dun wan to feel the hurt.

He is young yet he feels that he is old. There are still so many things for him to explore yet he is tired of life. He chose to stay in his little comfort zone.

Yet, no one can understand his pain these years. There are people who listens to him, yet there is nothing they can do to help him. Soon, they became one of them who left him. That, made him more inferior and more numb.

C.F taught me lotsa things. Most of them i had heard many times before.

Nw i understand, fully understand and accept y ncss dun wanna take me. Naive thinking me.

Is there right and wrong choice? This is interesting. I love his explanation. There is no right or wrong choice. There is only wrong intent and wrong motivation. His explanation maybe is the ans to my zombie life.

Im so afraid and eager to read the new book i had bought. Most of the sentence i read described me. Most amazingly, my thoughts that surfaced after each sentence actually appear in the next sentence of that paragraph. Amazing.

My dear boi is so much like me. But im unable to help him juz like im unable to help myself. I dun wan to c him ended up like me.

So amazing that more and more young adults are into depression mode. Wat causes them to be like this? Cos we are born in a city and not in kampung? Is it environment that caused us to be like this? Is it biological or developmental? Which is right and which is wrong?

No matter wat, i still feels that parents play a very important part in a child's life. Abandonment. Is that what he feels?

There are choices for me to choose. I have people asking me the same qns, i have busybodies asking me the same qns, I have ex-bosses asking me the same qns and im sick of their busybodies. Is it concern or is it more for gossiping? Why muz they judge? Who r they to judge? How will it affect them once they noe? Only to confirm their perception of me?

Wat is my intent. Only i myself noe. Ive been telling myself i duno. I truly thought i really duno till i read that book and realised im escaping. I dun dare to face my problems.

2009-01-09T00:37:00.002+08:00

"Most of us are not so wise. Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid problems. We procrastinate, hoping they will go away. We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist. We even take drugs to assist us in ignoring them, so that by deadening ourselves to the pain we can forget the problems that cause the pain. We attempt to skirt around problems rather than meet them head on. We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them"
-M. Scott Peck, M.D.

2009-01-09T00:19:00.002+08:00

Handsome! Not handsome in looks but in charisma.

BFF is upset with me. Rarely see his stress look. Too not sensitive and judge things from how i think it SHLD be.

Wats my intent. Wats their intent. Ethical? Unethical?

Glimpse of the devil. Interesting and interested.

Duno y Rudy is so looking forward for me to retract my letter and accept the offer.

There is one person who sees me in a different light. Who said things that nobody said to me yet i noe i guess, its almost right. Well.. maybe.

Im confused.

Maybe that psychotic is right. We shld find out wat is our intent. Only we ourselves noe our most inner thoughts and darkest secrets and FEAR.

2009-01-01T22:25:00.002+08:00

Debbie Gibson - Lost in ur eyes

1st Jan 09. First dae of the year.

Leann Rhimes - I need you

Its a new year and new year gotta have resolutions right?

Chaka Khan - Through the fire

Have none. Lolx.. can list down a lot but wats the point if i dun carry out. Lolx.

Still got a long way before ORD. People are advising and asking the same qns.

Bryan Adam - Everything I do i do it for u

Jason Mraz - Im yours

GET A LIFE. Hoohoo~

Vannie's ideal life is to own a small accomodation lodge by the sea.

Backstreet Boy - Show me the meaning of being lonely

Lead a rural life. Is there a word call 'Escapist'? If there is, den i shld be The Escapist 达人.

Michael Jackson - I juz cant stop loving u

Thought abt A. Ive been a living zombie since he was gone. There is no reason out there or within me to execute any plans i had in mind. No determination. No motivation.

Mario - Let me love u

Sometimes i brainwashed myself. I asked, why dun u carry on playing the game? And god gave me the ans. So im normal again.

Am i lost cos i dun have a faith?

Gabrielle - Dreams

George Michael - One more try

2008-12-30T22:54:00.002+08:00

周慧敏 - 痴心换情深

Tml is the 31st. The last day of 2008.

This year mainly revolved my work. Friendship with the gals had grown deeper. Vannie and Yang UNinmaginably can meet up for short dinner and talk on the phone. Jes joined us for our gatherings and share her problems with us. Stella joined in the reunion. Class SB and SL had our mini first gathering. I had colleagues who go drinking with me after work. Had my first getaway with my dear Liang. Had my first getaway with my dear Cher and Qi. Family issues bring the fam closer. Financial issues set me thinking.
Long time nv blog le. Opened up a blank post ends up closing that blank post.

Recently some people come and left my life. Some, Im still getting to noe more.

This year, I had opened my eyes to see and accept the ugliness of people. But there are also beautiful side of people.

2008-12-26T23:23:00.002+08:00

Class 95

So hard to communicate with someone younger. Even hard if that person is someone of silence.

So ez to communicate with someone older. (Not too old though). Even easier if that person shares the same mindset.

2008-12-21T13:03:00.000+08:00

五月天 - 突然好想你

20th December 2008*

ITE SB (2002) & SL (2004) MINI CLASS GATHERING

Our first gathering after 4 years.. shld we thanks facebook?

Pics from ytd.. Great time at Mindcafe!

2008-12-15T22:28:00.002+08:00

范逸臣 - Missing You

Been a bit out of myself ..doing silly things again. Lolx.. well... welll...well..........................

2008-12-13T07:15:00.003+08:00

范逸臣 - Missing You

I blogged my 500th post on him but kept it as a draft.

He might read this blog, he might not. He had my blog add afterall.

My astro for Friday:

Friendship could easily turn into romance if you're not careful, Vanessa. Overnight, a platonic relationship could turn passionate, and no one is more surprised more than you. It is time to think carefully about where you would like this relationship to go. While you can never go back to what was, you can stop the relationship from progressing further if you are uncomfortable with the new dynamic. Think hard, Vanessa; you can only make this decision once.

I should have read this first before sending him that frenz forver or u r a great fren kinda msg to him. Or maybe, its all misleading anyway. He only treat us as a platonic friendship.

Im so glad to meet up with him juz now after him being in reservist for 4 days. God.. i miss him!! Even if receive 1 msg from him, im also glad. It feels especially good to see him todae ..especially especially he wore the belated bdae and early xmas pressie from me. So glad that he made an effort to wear that.

He finally suggest to go Marina Square. I missed that place so much and ive been thinking of going there with him too. Spent an hour plus eating at the HK cafe again. I juz told Cher of his sweet gesture to another her the other dae. And im telling myself that its nothing when my pork chop stinks and he offered 1/2 of his chicken chop to me. Dun wan to let any silly thoughts spoil the meet-up. Went for movies.

Logic overcomes emotion when he die die also dun wanna watch 4 xmases with me. Logic overcomes emotion again when in train, he control himself not to fall on my shoulder. Geez... i noe im not the recep! Lolx..

Its all think too much again lar. Thats y, i sent that frenship msg to him.

Towards brian, its logic overcome emotion again. Logically, i damnit really dun like him. Emotionally, he is the one appearing on my mind. Shall let the feel released itself till it evaporates. I really dun like dun like him. I noe it so clearly.

11 days to Xmas eve, Ah Tut reminded me. He asked wats the plan.. any plan will do... i dun wanna break the tradition of missing any celebration with him. I still remember how eager i was to wanna spent xmas and countdown with him in the very early years.

Its only platonic to him. Its u-think-too-much, for me.

*This post is blogged after meeting him, so it explains the feel here feel that. Im juz emo.

2008-12-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

潘裕文 - 我和你从未分手

Gossip gossip.. u people really had nothing beta to do.

?????????????? Brian says:
heard from Lilian you dun intend to stay long?

Vannie - Fam is afterall the most impt* says:
no secrets

?????????????? Brian says:
why not? its your choice to go over and now u change your mind.

?????????????? Brian says:
you should be more decisive in your life... okay .. got to go home... bye...

Shld use this 933 commerical on them.. 'u really are enjoying this, arent u?'

Ethics.

Im a deer. And my owner gonna have a blog soon. Oh.. my future hubby accepted me adding him in friendster and facebook..wahaha.

My Ah Tut reservist till Friday.. woohoo. . tml is Fri!

2008-12-06T17:51:00.000+08:00

Friendster blog song

One step close to my future hubby..hahaha.

Beginning of Dec meant end of Dec.. meant another year is coming. Its all too soon. Its juz like ytd when Liang and me met up with Darrice and Apple for countdown, when Darrice shared of his dream wedding with Apple. Now he is attached with another gal.

The gals celebrated our youngest buddy - Yang's bdae on Thurs night. Fun photo taking sessions and heart to heart talk.

Its through Jes's sharing that i realized im guilty of not standing by Darrice. Todae is Darrice's bdae and we had a very last min celebration for him arranged at 11.23pm. Reached hm ard 6 this morn. Lotsa people bdae on 5th and 6th. Its also Shufang sis bdae. Darrice drove us to Chevron at the spur of the moment to wish her happy bdae and hesitated whether to say hello to apple who also is at the chalet. We left shortly after that, heading to Cine when he told me that no one supported him. He sae wat type of friends are u all.. it doesnt hurt me to hear that but i noe it hurt him to sae that. The hurt that his friends went to KL without inviting him and now, refused to accept his new gal.

Maybe.. when we have met her, we are able to accept her over Apple, like ur other frenz. But like wat ive told him, we are not the ones having a r/s with her, its him. Maybe.. perhaps.. one dae when u introduced us to her, we will understand ur decision.

22 Dec.. 2 weeks left!!!!!!!

2008-11-20T23:51:00.000+08:00

juz when i thougt everything is falling into place, Everything goes haywire again.

2008-11-18T23:00:00.002+08:00

我想我已开始有点疑惑

好像被他说中些什么

难道已经没有别的选择

只能乖乖的束手就策

难过的是我们做了选择

是对是错谁也没把握

如果要我放手才能获得

为何在我心中有舍不得

看着你要走

还装着笑容

掩饰的脆弱要撑多久

如果现在开口

如何挽留

感情这条线

注定只能这么远

不敢相信已经来到终点

想你爱他必定多一些

我们之间不可能再回到从前

我还傻傻画着幸福线

看着你走远

还继续装笑脸

掩饰折磨我能撑多久

如果现在开口怎么挽留

感情这条线

注定无法延长一点

你已不在

而我何时才清醒

相信一切都是命

不曾放弃你

我不会说什么

默默的承受像个男子汉

看着你要走

还装着笑容

掩饰的脆弱要撑多久

如果现在开口

如何挽留

感情这条线

注定只能这么远

看着你要走

还装着笑容

掩饰的脆弱要撑多久

如果现在开口

如何挽留

感情这条线

注定只能这么远

Let the words remain unsaid

2008-11-13T16:13:00.001+08:00

Might remain at start-up afterall.

2008-11-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

元若蓝吴忠明 - 心愿便利贴

I guess my mense is coming. If not i wun cry. Cry for many things. Haven cry for some time. It feels alot beta to cry.

A big issue happened on Sat. I find no frenz to acc and talk to except one who accompanied me after her work and stayed with me till night. I learnt new things through this incident and learnt more abt my fam and relatives.

Uncomfortable is the exact word when i get mushy feeling from family. Thats y i always choose to ignore or give cold shoulder to them, esp my dad.

But i cant forget the voice msg he left on my hp ytd. Its juz a msg to convey to my sis. I din ans his calls all dae till at night. I cried when i heard his voice. He always sounded mushy, cheerful and strong but ytd, he sounded helpless. I noe its all my fault. If i din ask for that loan, they wun bother him. I thought it will juz be a matter of yes or no. Perhaps im too naive. Perhaps, i dun even my relatives at all. My sweetie cousin thought i blame the aunts and uncles. I did blame my uncle but its later den i understand his reasons from my sis. And to my ever so concerned abt me de Ame.. im glad i have a sweet cousin like u. I noes u care a lot for our family.

There are some things that i juz rushed into without thinking the consequence. Like i din noe my asking junhao to smoke with me can led to misunderstanding. And like i thought a loan would led to a whole family affair.

Im deeply encouraged when my sis din pour me cold water when she knew abt my choice of course. Liang also din probe further either. I hope he can now understand my feeling and reason for giving up the previous fews. =).

2008-11-06T14:08:00.000+08:00

*HP songs*

He came down suddenly and my heart skipped a beat again. The episode is supposed to end right? I tried to avoid whenever possible ..doing my work when he is out of my workstation and slipped out when he came by to talk to Toi. Juz when i thought he is abt to leave, he asked to go smoking. I desperate grab Toi to go also.

He din went back to VP for lunch. Irene came slightly later and the whole gang lunched out. Takes some time for my heart to settle down and it resume to normal rate during lunch and onwards.

People commented tat he had lose weight.. yea.. but he looked beta with meat..wahaha.

Thought that he went off with Irene to their sites while i was smoking with another colleague till i heard their voice again when im back in office. Before leaving, they asked me to smoke with them again. Went opp to buy a pack and tabao drinks for them too.

Nothing special.. and we are treating as nothing had happened. Its a lot beta this way.

Hmm.. juz wanna blog this down .. jux wanna write something..

2008-10-29T10:50:00.003+08:00

*Show - Ai Zhuan Jiao*

Euurrghhhh.. my internet acc kena suspended. Just at a really right time. Juz came back from kl trip with kl and frenz. lolx. Stories to update and shall start from fri.

Fri. Gotten the balance of my insurance after terminating my policy. Bought 2 decent office shoes finally, dinnering with the 'long time no see' ms shen and chill out at her new, and coincidentally, also Greenie's fav hangout. Wine had a beta drunkard effect on me than beer.. lolx. Had a great time with her the 2 consequetive meet-ups. Not to add on, i enjoyed Yang's company too at J.G. =)

Ive long so called let go the emotion i had for Greenie. Maybe i juz really put everything to an end (juz like the stupid move i made to Liang when i thought i like Almost- The-One), i called Toi. And.. how can he juz noe from my first sentence that im drunk? Lolx. I told him im semi-drunk. Called him juz to get a support. I regret my move. Confession is embarassing enuff, and i still got my boss into it. Lolx. I actually dun dare to confess to Greenie. (Ops.. my MD juz walked pass.. lolx). Dun dare and dun wan to confess. Like ive said, im semi-drunk and juz thouht of juz text down whatever that came to my mind. Showed my msg to Ms Shen and juz leave it like that. Nv did i noe tat the sms was accidentally SENT out to Greenie. Im shocked when i received his reply. Oh ya, in the mean time, on sms, i had arguments with Liang cos i wanna backed out from the trip. He was VERY pissed. Lolx.

As usual, wat can i get from my confession? Rejection. Not upset as its long expected. At least, my crush can finally put to a full stop. I smsed to Liang that i will be joining the trip and told him ive been rejected by Greenie. Lolx. He is REALLY pissed with me that he din even asked wat happen. Idiot. Lolx. So thats the end of Greenie's and the beginning of my KL trip.

KL trip with KL was initally planned for end of the year countdown, juz my Xiao Peng You and me. But we cancelled it due to financial and yet joined in Junhao and Yiling's trip, with an addition of Jennifer. As i m drunk the dae before, i woke up at 6am when i actually gotta meet Liang at 6am. Lolx. There is a certain awkwardness between us (Liang and me) when I met up with them. We din even talk. Yea, i noe its my bloody fault. Lolx.. im always finding trouble with him. 3 days 2 nights, of cos the tension between us will ease.

The gals 1 room and the guys 1 room.. heh.. and i slept on the floor the first night. Stories to be told when we meet if u r interested to noe .. haha. Thanks to the fact that it is the 3rd KL trip for Junhao and Yiling, they are our guide for the trip. Taking us to shopping malls and makans, taught us how to bargain too! I always thought its kinda LC to bargain.. lolx.. but i guess im liking it. Pics cant be uploaded now cos im in ofz and my net at hm is suspended, and pics are taken using my hp. So most of them are with Jen and Yiling's cam.

Noted some stuffs though:

Junhao - Actually is quite da nan ren but is protective of Yiling. =) Had a temper though. He is our banker (in charge of our finance).

Yiling - Dun quite like her esp since my xiao peng you like her b4.haha. Jkjk. She is a simple gal. I like her simple-ness, like her straightforward-ness (due to her simple-ness..haha), she cares abt how people are doing and like Junhao, will asked did we enjoy the trip and how we find the trip. One interesting fact thats discovered. She is one kind of a gal who is..hmm... either stubborn or persistant. In a good way. Like for example, in the coach, Junhao is worried abt her sitting alone and everyone except me, is discussing how to re-arrange our seat. But she firmly told everyone she is fine and tell them to stop the discussion. Maybe its more like she dun wan to trouble everyone. Juz like on the last dae, when we are accompanying her to try shoes, she told us to shop for our stuffs, she is ok on her own.

Jennifer - Im not close to her at all. Met her twice only. Surprise to noe that she is 2 years older than us though she doesnt look like one. Surprsingly, i stick to her more often than i stick to Liang. And though we arent close at all, shes willing to loan me $100 when i asked.

Xiao Peng You - As usual, food is his heaven. Jesus! He can eat more than i can ever imagined. I always thought he can eat that much only, hell no, he can eat a great loads of stuffs and its like, we ate our breakfast at ard 10 plus, he can yearn for food again after a few hours. And as usual, Xiao Peng You is particular abt money and is always the first to talk abt money. I dun like it, esp when he did it in public. But i soon felt that its right too. Money issues shld be settle asap.

The last dae, our Xiao Peng You is finally sick. Lolx. That guy. Eat eat and eat plus not enuff slp, resulted in him feeling real sick. All these 7 years, ive never seen him that weak before. Mayb he always stay at hm when hes sick and its the first time tat i can see the 'weak' side of him ba. He was silent wen we are walking back to the hotel. Unlike him but i din even thought much abt it when i saw his right hand holding on to his waist. I asked if hes feeling unwell and he replied juz stomach ache and i din asked much. We went back to hotel and put our barang barang. Cos xiao peng you was feeling unwell, we let him do his biz while the gals gossip. Geez.. i duno if i rather have the gossip a not.

I din mentioned in my blog at all that actually something happen on the dae of Yiling's chalet, 3 weeks ago. The couple actually had a fight and 'hao ge' took his bag and walked out of the chalet. Liang saw that and chased after him but lost him. I duno wat happen at all but followed Liang. Togethe with Liang is a gal called P. Im quite ok with this gal till when we totally lost Junhao, den she told me 'i think u beta go back to the chalet', out of nowhere. Im pissed. Totally pissed. I noe the reason..haha.. i dun wan her to be close to my xiao peng you! Geez... than i was concerned abt Junhao. Lolx..hey, he is a policeman afterall oki? While looking for Junhao, i thought of darrice. Thought of that dae when he rushed down to ECP when he knew im upset and accompany me throughout. I hope that at least i can offer that kind of friendship to Junhao, esp he is xiao peng you best guy buddy.

Its on the last dae of the trip that Yiling told me that, that MS P told her some things abt ME. Shit man, i nv even thought that one dae, i might be the cause of a couple's arguments man! Im pissed. Totally pissed. I dun even noe her, hw can she judge me? And to be frank, when i first arrived at the chalet, she was talking to Zhiwei and i actually thought of talking to her when shes available. Bu i nv got the chance to talk to her and when i got the chance, she pissed me off by telling me to go back to the chalet. Thats the point i dislike her.

Ok, so what the hell did she sae abt me that caused the couple to quarrel? She told Yiling that im FLIRTING with Junhao and hao peng you. Juz cos i keep asking Junhao to smoke with me. Yiling's version was, Ms P dragged Junhao out and told Junhao that Yiling sae im flirting with Junhao. Junhao's version was, he himself asked Ms P to go outside and asked wat happen with Yiling, cos she looked unhappy. Anyway, summary is, that bloody gal go and tell both of them at Im flirting with Junhao lar. Junhao was upset to hear that Yiling felt this way, which she obviously din, but thanks to that gal.

After hearing that, im juz abit upset with xiao peng you. He actually kept this from me! Lolx, so when he is done with his biz next door and came over with junhao, infront of everyone, i point my fingers at him and sae 'ni hao! bu yao gei wo kan dao ni'. Lolx. Actually im juz playing with me and Yiling took it seriously. She thought im really angry. Im upset but given Xiao Peng You's character, i knew he will tell me unless something is stopping him. I din asked, waiting for him to tell me one dae. And he did explain ytd's morning. =) At least, he bother to explain. He kept it from me cos Junhao asked him to keep it from me to prevent us feeling awakward when we meet.

The guys were puzzled and asked wat exactly did we 'gossip' abt.. lolx. Anyway, after that, we went for our claypot dinner. Xiao Peng You was still feeling unwell and cant even smell food. Yiling told him to go back hotel rest and i told him to go buy his things first. He juz gave me the feeling that he dun wanna go back hotel alone. If i knew he din feel this way, i would be very glad to let him go hotel.. lolx. He finally bought some thing for his little brother. =) I like it when he bought things for his little bro cos he RARELY do that! >.< Maybe cos my sis always buy things for me..heh heh. He came back kinda fast. I like it when hes silent.. kinda cool. Haha..wat to do, xiao peng you is the crappy kinda guy.

He was abt to sit down when Yiling asked him to go back hotel first. He was standing beside me. I was eating, waiting for him to sit down when Yiling sae... 'Vanessa, u let him go back rest lar'. Lolx.. i was like going to spit my rice out! I replied 'when did i ever stop him from going back?' Lolx.. i really felt like laughing at that point cos its ximply ridiculous. He went back to hotel after that.

It was decided that Junhao will cros over to our room and i will sleep in the guy's room that night. Not cos xiao peng you is sick and someone gotta look after him. Its cos Yiling told Junhao i slept on the floor the night before. Its supposed to be our gals' secret though.

I kinda like the sick xiao peng you. Lolx. When u talked to him, he wun reply at all. Our first holiday after 7 years and first time share a room! Lolz. There was fireworks that dae cos its deepavali but too bad, he cant get to watch it. He was sleeping. I asked him twice is he ok but he din reply at all. So i decided not to disturb him. Den he cough and i asked he is ok den he finally got up and sae hes feeling warm. I got him a panadol, adjusted the air-con and roughly cover blanket for him.

After which, i leave him alone. I backfaced him, not wanting to let him think that im Ivan No. 2 (watching him slp), and i wanna think back on how to face Toi and Greenie when i got back to Sg. I cant even think abt my own matters cos Xiao Peng You's breathing is scaring me. He sounded like those patients who were out of breathe. It kinda scared me. So i got up and asked again, is he ok. He din reply and i touched his forehead (finally can touch him ley.. haha.. jk!). It was juz a bit hot but i guessed i gotta do sth. I duno wat to do if he keep dun respond to me. I phoned the next door and borrowed a small towel and put it on his forehead. Lolx.. i acutally wanna stay up the whole night to look after him but i fell asleep. Din even noe he got up twice to vomit! Lolx.

Thats my first experience with Xiao Peng You for our holiday. I felt that he was rather awkward with me. As usual, i might be thinking too much again. Scarli he thought i might fell for him esp after Greenie's rejection. Haha. Nop, xiao peng you will always be xiao peng you. So lets pray that he wun feel that i might cross the line by taking care of him, which i actually din do much. Heh heh.

(Used 1 1/2 hrs to blog this.. hope no one noticed!!)

2008-10-21T22:58:00.000+08:00

brianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrian

its supposed to be u and i, y is it lately?

y cant u tell me wat happen?

y are u so near yet so far

i record all the songs u sang todae.

2008-10-18T15:34:00.003+08:00

I was on noon AL ytd and had lunch unexpectedly with VP ex-and current (before going to Iren's site...and surprisingly to see Leon and Joey too), Irene ..... and my ex-AD. Kinda embarrasing...all BU2-ers cum a traitor-me. Lolx. I msged to Toi and told him its so embarassing and say i rather lunch with him.. lolx. Our team.. we cant get starve..and cant be alone for lunch. =) Irene told me that on when im on mc on wed, Toi drove over to to her to have lunch with her and 'Ah Tan' and paid for the lunch! Lolx.. my cat boss foot the bill?

I told Irene not to tell anyone im going to her site to help-out with paperwork and she kept her words..till... haix.

I knew Toi got his BnW gathering and noe Greenie and Irene will b going. Irene asked me to go to acc her and im the only one without a car.. lolx. Its kinda cool for my first experience to see ard 12 BnW cars (i guess its ard there) lined up and drive in one single line from Pasir Ris to Changi. Cool is one thing.. hilarious is another.. when we reached Changi.. lolx. My toi still can asked happily 'u nv come to this place before right?' Lolx.. of cos i din!!!!! Lolx.. its damn retro. Wahaha. I cant help myself to call Liang to tell him abt it. But at least, i knew a little bit more abt my boss.

Greenie gotta leave first cos he is actually late for his another gathering at H.V. And cos the place we are at is kinda cramped for parking (12 cars fully parked front and back ard the round-about and blocked the exit) and almost impossible to drive out, (plus the fact that Greenie's car is stucked in the middle) 1 lady thought of a strategy and all drivers are in stand-by mode to shift and make way. Lolx. Sometimes its still cute to see Greenie get flustered, determined, happy when things are going his way, and pai sei for causing the trouble. In juz one incident, can see so many sides of him.

I asked him to drive me out cos i made arrangement to meet Darrice. (Since he is going HV, i might as well meet Darrice..heh.. got free ride.. can save my transport) Haven sit in his car for almost a month? It still feels the same. I know im thinking too much, but i rather he keep quiet and drive (speed actually) than he keep talking. Initially its still ok with him saying actually he quite enjoy this gathering as the people are ok to communicate with and dislike when he have to trouble everyone and he asked hws my new dept and whether do i like it. Den out of nowhere, he started to talk abt the people he and i noe. One by one, he described their personality (like i duno.. he said all these before to me liao) and i kept quiet and comment that almost all of his frenz are outspokers.

Den he describe himself. Den.. 'den u...' he said and i quickly cut his sentence with 'u really had a brother?' I knew he dun like to talk abt this topic ..lolx.. and he really say 'i dun like people to ask abt my bro'.. wahaha. But den.. 'den abt u, (suddenly he change his qns) y u asked abt him?' I replied 'juz curious' (cant tell him i dun wan him to carry on his comments, right?) 'Abt u, u should change your mindset. Like that u will be happier'.

I was actually thinking wats ur purpose for identifying our colleagues' personality and when he was abt to comment on mine, i jumped into conclusion AGAIN and accused him that 'so u go abt talked abt everyone is to finally comment on me lar?' Lolx.. i noe he was offended. We kept quiet. I duno wat hes thinking but im thinking abt his words. 'Hw much does he noes me? Wat mindset does he wan me to change?' Im almost tempted to ask him 'am i really such a pessimistic person in ur eyes?'

Anyway, his speeding skills is making me giddy. I felt no excitement as when im in Toi's car where he sped once.

He parked at multi-storey carpark and cos hes in a hurry to meet his frenz, i let him walk down the stairs first and he u-turn up asking ' have i locked the car?' lolx.. and went back checked. I made way for him to run down and he looked back to me. Lolx. He muz be losing his direction to wala wala. When i thought hes coming back to ask me, he already run off to another direction le. I walked real slow to my meeting place with Darrice when i heard 'u walked so slow'. My first thought was 'Y darrice come from behind me?' and turned ard, saw Greenie. 'I lost my way! Haha.. bye bye!'

Lolx.. hes hilarious right?! From the spot we met, its already a linked to HV, he sped towards it and even when he sped towards it, hes STILL go 1 round rather than taking the short cut.. haha.. and when he looked back twice at me, i almost wanna LOL. Hes really cartoon, especially if u have a chance to see him run. Simply. Cute.

I thought abt him. Of the age gap and of his comment on change of mindset. I msged Liang and told him (lolx.. tv is playing wu ding!) i shld stop targetting older people. And the song 'Dont Cry Joni', a oldies, came to my mind. But i noe i wun be with John / Jimmy. Lolx. Hearted this song since im 14 and this song will pop in my mind when im emo. Hmm. Let u have a look at the lyrics. My all-time favourite thanks to my mum who bought karaoke oldies. =)

Jimmy, please say you'll wait for me
I ll grow up some day you ll see
Saving all my kisses just for you
Signed with love for ever true

Joni was the girl who lived next door
I ve known her, I guess, ten years or more
Joni wrote me a note one day
And this is what she had to say

Jimmy, please say you'll wait for me
I ll grow up some day you ll see
Saving all my kisses just for you
Signed with love for ever true

Slowly I read her note once more
Then I went over to the house next door
Her teardrops fell like rain that day
When I told Joni what I had to say.

Joni, Joni,please don t cry
You ll forget me by and by
You re just fifteen, I m twenty-two
And Joni, I just can't wait for you.

Soon I left our little hometown
Got me a job and tried to settle down
But the words kept haunting my memory
The words that Joni said to me

Jimmy, please say you'll wait for me
I ll grow up some day you ll see
Saving all my kisses just for you
Signed with love for ever true

I packed my clothes and I caught a plane
I had to see Joni, I had to explain
How my heart was filled with her memory
And ask my Joni if she'd marry me

I ran all the way to the house next door
But things weren t like they were before.
My teardrops fell like rain that day
When I heard what Joni had to say

Jimmy, Jimmy,please don t cry
You'll forget me by and by
It's been five years since you ve been gone
Jimmy, I married your best friend John.

Im 23 hes 31.. 8 yrs.

Few days back, there is this news on radio on a 32 yrs old married female teacher having a 'affair' with her 14 yrs old student. This is unacceptable. And another news added on, a 70 plus man having affair with a woman almost 30 yrs younger. People cant accept a 20s with a teens but can accept a 30s with a 20s (not in my case though) or a 40s with a 30s. Reason: Maturity.

Well well.. im a champion in side-tracking. Actually i only thought of blogging a small portion of ytd's stuffs and concentrate on wat i will be blogging. But den.. well.. lolx.

When i saw the results, i knew ive taken this test before. Think was intro by Cher few yrs back?
(Its advisable NOT to read through..cos its a whole load of infor which i wanna blog for my own reference or mayb urs? =) )

Match 1 - Social Service / Science

Industry Description

Careers in social services appeal to persons with a strong desire to make life better and easier for others. Workers in this industry usually are good communicators and enjoy interacting with people. Social services establishments provide a wide array of services that include helping the homeless, counseling troubled and emotionally disturbed individuals, training the unemployed or underemployed, and helping the needy to obtain financial assistance.Social and human service assistant is a generic term for people with a wide array of job titles, including human service worker, case management aide, social work assistant, community support worker, mental health aide, community outreach worker, life skill counselor, or gerontology aide. They usually work under the direction of workers from a variety of fields, such as nursing, psychiatry, psychology, rehabilitative or physical therapy, or social work. The amount of responsibility and supervision they are given varies a great deal. Some have little direct supervision; others work under close direction.Social and human service assistants provide direct and indirect client services to ensure that individuals in their care reach their maximum level of functioning. They assess clients’ needs, establish their eligibility for benefits and services such as food stamps, Medicaid, or welfare, and help to obtain them. They also arrange for transportation and escorts, if necessary, and provide emotional support. Social and human service assistants monitor and keep case records on clients and report progress to supervisors and case managers.Social and human service assistants play a variety of roles in a community. They may organize and lead group activities, assist clients in need of counseling or crisis intervention, or administer a food bank or emergency fuel program. In halfway houses, group homes, and government-supported housing programs, they assist adults who need supervision with personal hygiene and daily living skills. They review clients’ records, ensure that they take correct doses of medication, talk with family members, and confer with medical personnel and other caregivers to gain better insight into clients’ backgrounds and needs. Social and human service assistants also provide emotional support and help clients become involved in their own well being, in community recreation programs, and in other activities.In psychiatric hospitals, rehabilitation programs, and outpatient clinics, social and human service assistants work with professional care providers, such as psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers, to help clients master everyday living skills, communicate more effectively, and get along better with others. They support the client’s participation in a treatment plan, such as individual or group counseling or occupational therapy.Working conditions of social and human service assistants vary. Some work in offices, clinics, and hospitals, while others work in group homes, shelters, sheltered workshops, and day programs. Many work under close supervision, while others work much of the time on their own, such as those who spend their time in the field visiting clients. Sometimes visiting clients can be dangerous even though most agencies do everything they can to ensure their workers’ safety. Most work a 40-hour week, although some work in the evening and on weekends.

Sample Job Titles

Social Worker
Human Service Assistant
Substance Abuse Counselor
Social Service Agency Director
Family & Children Therapist

Maybe its a sign. Lolx. I cant see the rest of my matches.

2008-10-17T11:29:00.002+08:00

Janice - Never let u go

I was doing some research on SEAB when i felt guilty. Oral test is a test that i thought is a joke since pri sch and nv once take it seriously. Its more like a game to me. And i always felt amused when my classmates cry over any tests, oral or written. Thats the difference between success and failure.

I am reading on Danny Yeo's Wei1 Yan2 Song3 Ting1 few days ago when i came across this entry abt himself. A perfectionist since young. He wrote that once when he was 13 or 14, his teacher took his math assignment and showed it to his classmates. He was proud of it and more proud of it is his attitude towards his assignment It is a Algebraic equation and he used ruler to draw all the equals sign and ensure that they are in the middle neatly. When i read that entry, i reflected back on my own algebraic assignment ..well..9 or 10 years ago. Lolx.. its a mess! Thats again, another attitude and example between success and failure. He believes that attitude starts from young.

Greenie msned last night and sae i have a pretty fren but nv intro to him. Caused me certain uneasiness. At first i thought is Meh Meh hes refering to, but he sae its someone from my facebook and he dun wanna reveal who is she as hes not ready. He added on saying i shld intro my facebook frenz to him like he intro Leon to me. Faint. Juz now during 'break', i told Toi and Jo abt it. Jo said that Greenie had added her ytd.. lolx. scarli the prettty gal Greenie refer to is Jo. Whatever ba.

And whoever have been talking behind my back or missing me (which i rather is the latter..), pls stop it... my sneezing and flu is making me miserable..... =(

"Why are you here?"
"Do u fear death?"
"Are u fulfilled?"

2008-10-12T01:57:00.000+08:00

周杰伦 - 失落非主流

He still din disappoint me! Lolx.. i loveeeee his songs!

Someone who i haven talked to for 2yrs suddenly msged me in facebook and we exchanged msn. He said he wun come back. Cold and hard. Memory cant help tracing back to the qns danny asked me few weeks ago. Wat happen that time that led to both of them reacting this way?

Todae i have 3 new frenz in my facebook. My ex A.D, a unknown guy who go ard adding my frenz and my frenz frenz.. lolx and a colleague.

I saw the colleague's facebook. She is 360 days older than me. =) A different education level, a different position and a diferent attitude from me. I saw her facebook pics and felt a contrast with my msn conversation with Pierce.

The qns popped in my mind again.

'Why are you here?'

2008-10-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

Woke ard 9.50 and rush to jpt to meet the financial planner for 2 hours ..zzz. Went back hm and slack slack and slack. Nw listening to Jay's song!! Lolx.

The Why Cafe is my accomplishment todae. My first thought was to buy this book for 2 of my ex-boss, Des and Brian or even J.N if i resigned from the company.

Ytd was Leon last dae and if i din guessed wrongly, the guys went for drinking.

I went back to Varsity on wed. Din update this cos dun feel like it at the time. Its W who msned me on Tues night and called on Wed to ask if i wanna go back to have a look as they've re-arranged the office's layout. Anyway, i told her no initally cos i dun wanna bumped into Des but still went anyway and that set her asking those ridiculous qns again. Actually wat made me uneasy was i din expect its Brian's idea to rearrange the whole office layout.

I duno y. We juz cant talk to each other unless we're drinking. That dae, we din even talk. Am i ignoring him or izzit him also ignoring me? Or are we on the same frequency that there's actually nothing much to talk to each other?

That wed was the dae i put an end when W asked those qns. I felt that i had enuff.. enuff of liking him secretly yet its obvious to him, enuff of waiting for him online, nv talking, and offline den i go to slp to ensure he is safely home, enuff to initating to send songs to him juz to have any conversation between us. Whenever he come into HQ, 'Kelvin' is our only topic. The last time he came on Thurs, before he went off, he said 'dun miss me hor Kelvin' and Kelvin din even noe he is talking to him. And i wonder, are they really that close? Cos Mr Toi told me on my first takeover with him that actually he and Brian wasnt that close.

That wed, he stayed in the office till quite late with Irene but went off after waiting for hours for des. I did not wait for him to online cos i told myself its give up time. And den he online. And he msned me.

A new acccounts gal who is 3 yrs younger than me jokingly said that she will consider B on her potential list when we are gossiping on guys. I msned B and told him abt it.

Enuff of B le.. so much for the past 6 months.

These 2 days, im drooling over this 白马王子's pic. He is my sec sch mates, a transfer student when we're sec 2. Nv talked to him at all before though we are always next-door sch mates. 9 years later, tks to Facebook, he ADDED me! Lolx. So im happily drooling over his pics. Qiqi gave him avg 75 wor...wahahaha.

I think i mentioned in my earlier posts abt my dear Darrice's 'concern' on me and Liang. I hope this 'concern' wun happen again, me and him are purer than any matters.

'Why are you here?'
'Do you fear death?'
'Are u fulfilled?'

Ever wonder wats your PFE?

Im like some part of the group. I wonders often on my PFE. I always cant find ans, even if there is, its sillly ans. Maybe there are too many ans. Maybe im scared to achieve. But avoiding for 4 yrs isnt enuff?

I like it when my top management has a Facebook account. =)

2008-10-07T22:49:00.002+08:00

自我催眠

人群里面那个我

把幸福遗落

那曾经走过的路口

我停了你却走

我想捂住我的耳朵

听不见你说

爱就在此刻松手分手放手

我猜不透不猜透

和你背对背的走

原来怪我没有

没有爱情的天分你才要走

我想要学会自我催眠

痛觉会少一些

潜意识作祟想着想到失眠

我躺在没有你的房间

寂寞更加明显

我渐渐的自我催眠

却回不到从前

等着红灯那个我

还会向前走

也许那幸福的执着

在下一个路口

专属铃声我还留着

却静静沉默

在我们之间爱了放了散了

我会不说不想说

怕说了也没有用

现在我的幽默

只是掩饰着心痛我的难过

我想要学会自我催眠

痛觉会少一些

潜意识作祟想着想到失眠

我躺在没有你的房间

寂寞更加明显

我渐渐的自我催眠

却回不到从前

我想要学会自我催眠

聪明再多一些

潜意识作祟想着想到失眠

我走在没有你的世界

却走不到永远

我渐渐的自我催眠

慢慢闭上双眼

2008-10-07T17:09:00.003+08:00

Msned with toi. greenie and darrice at the same time ytd.

My boss was wondering again last night and todae i saw right here waiting.. lolx.

Sent songs to greenie and din talk much. He wasnt in a good mood ytd cos of the bi-weekly meeting. He doesnt wanna talk abt it juz mention that its the way things are handled.

He went for a short drink with Leon last night.. =( Nv ask me.

And my old fren, Mr Darrice. He made me mad last night by telling me he told my BFF whether he noes i like him a not. Faint. And that was a month ago de incident. He said that i was once drunk and called him (D) and told him i like my BFF. And during their guy's meet-up, he brought this issue up and asked my BFF that qns. Faint. Dun he noe that im rejected by him million yrs ago????

2008-10-06T22:33:00.001+08:00

范玮琪 - 到不了

去喝竟然没叫我.

=(

2008-10-03T17:16:00.002+08:00

*MP3 songs*

Im given a chance to try to do a takeover report.. =) Thats my good news in the morning and my boredom for the rest of the dae. Lolx.

Tgif. My spirit is tgif instead of TGIF.

Haix.. im not the youngest. Lolx.. the account gals are younger than me!! >.<

Bleh.

2008-10-03T00:59:00.003+08:00

Abba - The Winner Takes It All

I always dun bother to remember when is the BU meeting.

Someone did not come down when he arrive.

Someone shouted Kelvin's name whenever he came to our dept.

Someone din wear 'the ring' todae.

Someone took my novel without me knowing and discovered i used his namecard as my bookmark and said im rude. lolx.

Someone went off and came back to office knocking fiercely on the glass door juz to ask if KELVIN wanna join them for drinks. And shun bian ask me lo... muz be. Hmph. (He can call right? There's sth called 'hp', isnt it?)

And someone went to Bluemist for drinks.

It always happen when im abt to give up.

He knew. He should noe, isnt it?

2008-10-01T23:04:00.004+08:00

郑源 - 擦肩而过

Does a ring mean anything? No.

Does a haggard look explains anything? No.

Does a sudden cutting down of cigars explains anything? No.

Does a on-the-dot leaves office explains anything? No.

Does a so early offline msn explains anything? No.

想太多.

Lolx. Ronald Cheng "无赖" had a chinese version - "怪胎"

Lolx. Cantonese version beta. Here's 怪胎 lyrics:

他们说我很怪

尤其对於爱

老犯错太沉默

老是学不乖

才开始就想逃跑

从来不问未来

像个贪玩的小孩

他们说谈恋爱

是一种负债

很甜蜜很花钱

很需要忍耐

可是孤单要人命

没有人能例外

得跟命运摊牌

天知道有多累

害我这种人

没错你快些离开

也许真的是你欠我的债

偏偏你不醒来

为什麽喜欢我

我这种怪胎

像原始人活在新时代

外表叛逆但心不坏

不轻易恋爱

我相信永远不存在

别爱上我

我这种怪胎

我的人生一路在修改

我说爱情是海底针

真心很难买

忘了我让我一个人

自由自在

开着车大声吼

需要看看海

网路上寻着宝

最近有点宅

我跟世界的比赛

可是裁判没来

奖状就是无奈

天知道有多累

害我这种人

没错你快些离开

也许真的是你欠我的债

偏偏你不醒来

为什麽喜欢我

我这种怪胎

像原始人活在新时代

外表叛逆但心不坏

不轻易恋爱

我相信永远不存在

别爱上我

我这种怪胎

我的人生一路在修改

我说爱情是海底针

真心很难买

忘了我让我一个人

别爱上我

我这种怪胎

像原始人活在新时代

外表叛逆但心不坏

不轻易恋爱

我相信永远不存在

别爱上我

我这种怪胎

我的人生一路在修改

我说爱情是海底针

真心很难买

忘了我让我一个人

自由自在

*Forget to add on.. i finally saw JL in person juz now.. lolx.

2008-10-01T09:05:00.000+08:00

It tremble when she heard that hes coming down. She thought he wun b too fast to arrive. Then she heard that voice and saw him in black. He walked past her to her superior's desk and started talking to him. He uses his file to ...

The above was blogged halfway ard 7pm and was interrupted thanks to Mrs Yao. Lolx.

Mrs Xiong and Mrs Yao met for dinner ...err... last night. (Vannie juz reached home.) Both of them agrees that its almost impossible that they will meet between themselves (see?? i got blogged this down..lolx.) She is going to Bugis to meet her fren but alight at Buona Vista to acc me meet Liang and gang.

Its a long night. Anyway the 2 Mrs departed at Bugis and go ahead with their programs.

Everytime meet Yiling.. lolz.. its all abt innocence.

Towards the end of the day, which is almost dawn, i 'borrowed' 15 mins of Liang from Y.L and J.H. Heh. I used that 15 mins to vent my frustrations out. Anyway, damnit. I LOST my ezlink card AGAIN and i juz topped it ytd. Damnit. Damnit.

Anyway, i love the movie mama-mia! (Though Liang and Y.L slpt through the movie.. lolx.)

2008-09-29T23:31:00.000+08:00

Karyn White - Superwoman

I love this song the moment i heard it on class 95 years back. Till now, it nv fails to bring me back to the 1980s scenario, in those caucasian 2 storey house, with a kitchen at the ground floor. The weather would be bright and sunny with curtains closed and a woman making coffee at the kitchen. Lolx.. i always have this fantasy when i hear this song.

Haggard.

2008-09-28T22:17:00.002+08:00

有你, 没你, 我还是有一屁股的债.

只好叹出一大口气, 早点睡, 明天新的一天..

再想办法解决.

就像当时有你为我加油.

2008-09-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

刘力扬 - 眼泪笑了

比想象中更痛
你真的没回头
我命令眼泪不许失控

回忆不跟你走
都挤在我心中
我就有责任让它值得被珍重

谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候

我眼泪都笑了
谁还想哭呢
再勇敢的站着
找回光和热
面对你的时候
我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客
因为路有些曲折是美的

心碎成了沙漠
就快开凿绿洲
我没有时间不知所措

你温柔的双手
本就不属于我
又何必在乎它以后属于谁呢

谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候

我眼泪都笑了
谁还想哭呢
再勇敢的站着
找回光和热
面对你的时候
我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客
因为路有些曲折是美的

你眼泪都笑了
谁还会哭呢
来不及完美的
就唱首骊歌
想起你的时候
我不是卑微的
反而我没有遗憾
因为我已爱过你深深的

2008-09-27T02:38:00.004+08:00

*Hp Song*

Its my 2nd time attending training. My first was 2 1/2 yrs ago. Was sleepy. Met some 'colleagues' who ive come to noe these 2 1/2 yrs. Saw my ex cm who i hardly talked to. He looked tired.

Met up with Liang after the training. He smiled to himself when i told him im trying to quit. Maybe thats a sarcastic smile but i took it as happiness?

Walked from JE to hm again. Just to let out some steam. I love my sweats.. =)

Liang too agrees that its obvious.

2008-09-20T23:20:00.001+08:00

*Derrick Ho's album*

I like most of the songs in his album, though one of the local critics had commented that its juz another normal album. Was mopping the floor, listening to his album and thought of the same comment by that idiot. To him or her its juz a normal album but to a guy who can fulfill his dream, its everything. But stil, one gotta do one's job, isnt it?

I shld be very over over over the moon when there is someone who finally makes an effort to pair me up with another guy. Nop, im not happy all, but i stil played along with the game. Where shld i start the story? From the ph cal from W? Or from the msn conversation at HQ? Or straight at the bar? Nvm.. anyway i met up with him and Leon at the bar ytd after work. He is VERY eager to pair me up with Leon despite the fact that ALL of us knew Leon is atached with a gal 8 years younger than him and im having a crush with him (Not Leon) who is juz nice, also 8 years older than me. If u cant accept me, let me noe. Dun pair me up with another. He kept repeatedly comment infront of Leon and me that Leon is a good catch and im compatible with him and i shld go and noe him more. Lolx. And i did. Infront of him, i forced Leon to step out of the bar to 'get to noe him'. All i did was confessed to Leon that i like that idiot. And we chated abt his r/s with his gf.

When we went back into the bar, a guy was talking to him. He introduced that guy as his cousin. That idiot cousin who caused him heartache. I told B that someone was blind not to choose him.. lolx. His reaction almost made me laughed. Leon and him talked between themselves and i heard abit on the type of gals that he like. Din managed to catch every word, but i heard 'sporty' and him mentioned abt that gal who have the same name as my female BFF. I performed my usual act-blur and concentrate on watching his cousin's billard skills.

He kicked my leg once. I ignore thinking it might be an accident. He kicked again. I ignored again. And he KICKED again. He muz be looking for me then.. and i faced him. 'Wats wrong?' He asked and i shook my head.

Nothing much.

I had successfully not touched a cigar ytd.

Yea, and i forget to add on. When i arrived at the bar ytd, he wana me to sing duet with Leon. Thanks god it turned out that i sang one duet with him and one with Leon. And he was mad at me when its my duet with him cos my pitch was high for him to blend in. Lolx.

He keep asking me to consider Leon. Saying we are compatible. I told him if ive a choice, den i would rather choose Toi. Reason is simple. I wanna let him noe that i prefer older guys. He said me and Leon can click and ther's no communication or generation gap. He feels that Toi is too old for me. Yea.. too old for me. Hes same age as u, Mr Lim. I can only sae though Toi is 31..but. When u communicate with him, hes juz a boy.

In short, Mr Lim juz wanna get rid of me lar. Hmph.

I still request the same thing. Give me time. Im almost there. I know im not ur type.

AH.. even in my dream i fear L.L.. shit man. Lolx.

2008-09-15T23:25:00.000+08:00

周蕙 - 该忘了你对不对

Just like Dave Palzer, i too felt that we led ourselves into misery. He called and chided me this evening isnt a reason good euff for me to go back and see wat can i do to help.

The atmosphere was strange. I knew i no longer belonged there. My old workstation is even re-arranged. He chided me over the phone. As usual, i took it to heart and couldnt differentiate if thats a good piece of advice or a good piece of mind from him. Still i gave myself a reason to go back and see him.

He stated his displeasure at the mess i had gotten for him. I approached him timidly twice asking is there anything i could do to help. He said no and i have to say it rather fairly, his tone is beta than months earlier, if im still part of the team.

Since theres nothing that i could do and the atmosphere was rather awkward, i din say bye to him or W who is in the ladies. I juz took my bag and told Eugene that im leaving. He asked if i wanna go for smoke. Smoke.. hmm.. Vannie din took a single puff todae.

I din noticed Eugene called twice till i saw his office's no.

I wanna continue blog. But he juz msned me. Its still blinking orangely infront of me and all i felt was.. my heart skipped a beat again. I saw the first few words.. but i dun have the courage to see the whole msn.

Ok.. W called and as usual, i can hear someone picking up the phone on the other end. She asked y i din sae bye den passed the phone to Eugene. Eugene asked y i leave. I told him theres nothing for me to do. He said B said i havent finish my stuffs, hw can leave. I juz replied .. i asked him twice and he say theres nothing for me to do.

I know i take it all seriously. But all i could feel and think at that time was, im putting my dignity down by going back to the site where i knew i will get cold treatments juz to makeup for the mess that i had created for him. All i ever wanted to do was to lessen his burden but i always fucking made things worse for him.

Whenever i see the Qian Nian Lao Yao and his team, all i felt was upset for him. I knew he was unhappy when he was in that team. Im always looking at and disliking his replacement. That place he is sitting at used to be his. Stupid me.

I keep telling myself tat im almost there. Just give me alittle more time. And W will be rite. I will forget B and move on to other guys.

Talked too much. I juz wanted to share this Das Koh's entry which i loved alot.

Have you ever wonder, when you needed help, who will be there lending the helping hand?

Will there be someone who will be willing to sacrifice the time that belong to them, to help get you out of some mess?

Naturally, we would expect someone close to us to do that. And in times when they failed us, does it mean that we expected too much? Or it merely spells out the fact that the someone we thought we are close to, doesn’t feel as ‘close’ to us?

Re-evaluation needed?

Time out.

Thought of the day:

If you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. . . Counting on yourself might be a better bet.

2008-09-14T03:20:00.000+08:00

Dear James

wats the point of writing to u now right?

I opened the box.

Read all the letters again.

Touched elmo and cookie monster

Feel the withered flowers that were once fresh and bright

Saw the D/O listing the food u bought online for me.

6 yrs.

1 1/2 yrs u were with me

1/2 yrs later the suspicion were just suspicion and u were gone forever

1 yr later the truth is out

933 is playing fish's wei wo hao.

u used to sing this to me with that husky voice of urs.

I wish u were dead

Nt cos i hate u

If u were dead, i would have a reason to believe that everything is real.

That u refused to meet me is cos u knew u were dying.

And this plot will only surfaced in movies.

u hate smokers. u said smokers were losers.

u were rite. or rather u are rite.

i read ur last letter.

If not for the fact tat ive really met him, todate, i would led myself to believe u r dead.

Thanks god ure not him. who r u.

u have the same chinese name as my used-to-be-almost-the-one.

i hate this name.

the test sae i will marry someone with initial J. u r.

it will be true if u kept ur promise.

i still rmb the tune u composed for me.

if i heard it outside, it will be a clue to find u again.

2008-09-14T01:22:00.001+08:00

*Yes 933*

Juz reached home after getting SHOUTED by my dad on the phone.

Damn shag at work that i fell aslp right away ard 11.30pm last night. Was slightly awaked by my alarm at 7 and went to slp till 11.30am and laze in bed till 3 plus. My mind is awake but my soul is dead. Im listless and lethargic like hell. Might be my mense, i told myself.

Acc my sis to BLSC to buy light..with a dragging attitude. Juz dun feel like talking plus my constant stomachache OR menses cramp. Whatever..

Was hoping my liang will sms me out cos i feel like going out. Reached hm ard 7 and msned my crush, Mr Greenie. That idiot...told me that his msn pic is his baby brother.. duhzx. Anyway he sent his NS pic over.. woh.. he was smart and slim. But i still prefer the rounded him now..

Juz den.. liang smsed me for dinner. FINALLY. Lolx. I smsed to Yiling asked her to join in with Junhao. So we met for dinner at Bukit Timah and thought of going to a cool chill-out place that the boys highly recommend. Im in a so so mood cos i felt lethargic anyway.

While queueing to buy Viceroy.. the usual 'dad' name appeared on my hp. He isnt talking. He is SHOUTING. Amazingly, i din feel like crying upon hearing his shouting nor am i startled, neither am i panicked. I juz ..'im going hm soon' and hang the phone. Called my sis to ask wat the fuck had happened. Menopause, mayb. After the conversation with sis, i guess i exploded a little.. yea.. only a little.. with NB and CB to liang. Yea.. but its towards on dad,not him though. He din showed much concern and still wanna go out. That point, i felt i really can depend on myself, after ytd's incident.

I dropped the intention to go with them to chill and head hm when my sis smsed saying my dad is ok. I smsed to liang asked if he wanna me to alight and acc him. He sae no need, they are heading home.

I came home. Din talked to my dad. He was eating and watching tv. He talked to me calmly while i faced the tv and keep quiet. Once hes done, i juz enter my room, locked the door, on my laptop and. I made my messy room even more messier. I throw my clothes all over the room. Throw papers all over the floor. Find whatever i can throw and THROW IT all ard the room. I guess, i ve psychology prob.

Im not angry with him.

Not angry with anyone.

But myself.

I keep recalled wat my frenz sae abt me and their life.

Like one who sae she wanna get a dip cos she is already this age and noe she cant make it without a dip. She had wasted enuff time.

Like 2 frenz who sae im VERY LAZY to exercise.

Like 1 fren who sae i only grumble and fret and not doing anything to my weight.

Like a fren who i felt nowadays is already cant be bothered with me and my grumblings.

I thought of my debts.

Of my life.

Of my work.

Of my colleagues.

Of my frenz.

Of my family.

Of my certs.

Of my future.

I thought of who am i when my mum left.

Who am i received my Os result.

Who am i when i enter ITE.

Who am i when i knew Aaron.

Who am i when i give up my NP studies.

Who am i when i got my job and dream of achieving these and that.

Who am i when i give up my chances.

I see myself achieving nothing. I see myself indulging in fun, laughter and recently, beer and more beer.

I see myself ended with $0 within the 1st week of my payout.

I see my dignity being seen as a joke to Brian.

I see myself as a useless whore as the test told me.

I see a useless me.

19-23. 4 years.

On my way back hm in bus juz now, im hoping my dad will flare up and kill me.

2008-09-12T22:10:00.000+08:00

侧田 - Kong

Ive seen that people really duno wats call appreciate. Seen the selfish people ard me who dun bother when i need help. Their selfishness made me understood that only i can help myself.

Anyway, todae i din expect to see brian but i did. Din also expect to see Joey, xiao ming and Amy.

This weekend.. i juz wan to stay at hm.. be isolated and mayb reflect?

My psychological test says that im a whore - the most useless kind of all.

2008-09-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

*yes 933*

Very very long time din listen to night time 933.

Todae juz got the mood to listen and the mood to read blogs.

I read Derrick He Wei Jian's blog.. so sweet of his parents.

朋友没有隔夜仇.

Was at another company checking hand-over documents and took 157 from toa payoh to boon lay. Idiot.... i stood for an hour plus holding my longchamp bag and breadtalk bag on 1 arm and a hardcover file on another arm. Was playing my recent-addicted math game on my mobile when i thought of my male BFF. Since that sat, we hadnt met and rarely sms. JUZ when i thought of him asking him for dinner but din (cos not much money left..lolx), he SMS me for dinner. Telepathy huh.. lolx. We met up in the end.

As usual had a long talk. Idiot... with others i can keep wanting to eat.. but with him juz now.. i dun even feel like eating more. See him spoil my mood! Lolx..joking joking. We walked for awhile at my hse downstairs.. wow.. he long time nv send me till my blk liao..lolx. But in the end, is I WALKED him to station. Frenz.. =)

I told him im not angry that dae. He explained the whole incident that dae. Like wat Cher say, it might juz be that coincidence. Beside, that dae when he came over to talk the first and second time, i knew he still cares for our friendship. =) But.... Y DUN WAN ACCOMPANY GO GENTING WATCH CE TIAN!!!!!! lolx.. =)

___________________________________________________________________

Sundae 7 Sep 08, the gals met up with Stella at Miramar for dinner, photos taking and nua-ing at tcc. We hadnt met up for ... 3-4 years le ba. Woh. . Hmm... no awkwardness though. =)
___________________________________________________________________

Recently.. he logged off rather early.. so tired huh..

2008-09-06T20:00:00.000+08:00

New blog song*

He mentioned ytd is the 5th. 7 months already. He praised on W. Talked abt how happy the r/s between colleagues are on site now. Im glad for him.. but still, cant help feeling sad that he dun care abt my feeling by telling all these.

He talked abt the taiwan trip.. m glad that he shared with me though initially he felt that he shouldnt share this with me.

Ytd i treated him at JG. My first treat to him. He asked twice, wats the occasion.

He sang most of the songs ytd. I love 'Just Once' the most. Happened to be our fav song too.

Lotsa miscellaneous details to add on but shall let them remain inside me.

I see my reflection in Shaf. I guess, B saw his old reflections in me.

He asked to sing duet with me. I chose the song. But that song .. duno y, it dint came to our table.

2008-09-04T22:35:00.000+08:00

Celine Dion - I surrender

23 vs 31

A phrase of experiencing vs a already experienced phrase

I told toi that W and B asked me to consider going back. Surprisngly, i din hear sth that i thought i will heard which i already had heard before from him. He said it will be hard cos L.L will have to grant the approval, but it might be different if Des brought this up to the big head. Tats y they are confident i'll be able to go back as long as i sae im willing to. But they juz wanted me back cos they cant find a replacement and cos im the idiot who set up the system.

W called me to ask abt some work stuffs and asked abt my decision. I told her me and toi felt that it isnt the time to leave toi himself alone. She said.. ok, anyway brian juz wanna noe my ans if i wanna go back a not. My exact feeling at that time is 心灰意冷.